FOOD FRIDAY: Absolute zero
Indignity Vol. 4, No. 220
PUBLIC HEALTH DEP'T.
How Dare the Sanitary Inspectors Kill My Bagel Place?
EARLIER THIS WEEK, we got a package of smoked trout and put it in the fridge, so that sometime soon we could stop by Absolute Bagels on Broadway and get a sack of everything bagels to have with the trout for breakfast. But now, with no warning, Absolute Bagels is gone.
"A Bagel Shop Closed, and the Upper West Side Is Absolutely Losing It," the New York Times wrote, on a story that did in fact make me lose it, or at least exclaim aloud. The West Side Rag, which was naturally first with the news when the shutter came down on Thursday, has "UWS Absolute Bagels Closing Confirmed: ‘It Was a Bombshell.’"
It is a bombshell. Absolute Bagels and the line of people waiting outside Absolute Bagels seemed so eternal and unchangeable in the neighborhood that it was news when the line changed direction. As old-line Jewish New York bagel shops faltered through the years, Absolute, with its Thai staff and owner (and the Thai iced tea on the menu), felt like a monument to the immortality of the bagel.
And the bagels were excellent, even though ours were almost always 18 hours old when we ate them. The line really was absurd, so the most reasonable way to eat Absolute Bagels was to duck inside in midafternoon, after the breakfast and lunch customers had all cleared out, and take some new-baked ones home for the next morning. Why waste all that time waiting? The bagels would be there.
But now they're not. What else could go away? Do we need to hurry up and get the typewriter over to the typewriter-repair place, like I keep thinking about doing every time I walk by?
The West Side Rag reported that Absolute Bagels had flunked a health inspection on Tuesday and supplied a link to the report, which opened with a list of violations in red text:
1) Evidence of rats or live rats in establishment's food or non-food areas.
2) Live roaches in facility's food or non-food area.
3) Food contact surface not properly washed, rinsed and sanitized after each use and following any activity when contamination may have occurred.
4) Cold TCS food item held above 41 °F; smoked or processed fish held above 38 °F; intact raw eggs held above 45 °F; or reduced oxygen packaged (ROP) TCS foods held above required temperatures except during active necessary preparation.
5) Raw, cooked or prepared food is adulterated, contaminated, cross-contaminated, or not discarded in accordance with HACCP plan.
On one level, it made sense. Absolute Bagels was always dim and sort of grubby-looking. But the bagels were hot and they kept moving; it wasn't as if they had much chance to sit around absorbing bad influences from their environment. And the shop had passed its other recent inspections, so the grubbiness must have been mostly superficial before now. That is to say, I still wanted my bagels, even after reading the report.
Back when I lived in downtown Flushing, there was a buns-and-noodles place right below the westbound LIRR platform operating, presumably without brand authorization, under the Tianjin Goubuli name. Their zhajiangmian featured thick, exceptionally elastic handmade noodles; the buns were fluffy and filled with tenderly roasted meat; there was a cat wandering freely around the dining room. I would eat the noodles and watch the cat all by myself in the dining room when I got off the train after a late night at work.
Then, one dark and hungry night, I walked up to the door and found an extremely dire notice from the health department on it. It explained in unequivocal terms that the restaurant was closed and would not be coming back. I was dazed—some anticipatory part of my mind had already settled in at a table and was still expecting the noodles—but also not surprised, exactly, given the cat and all. I didn't doubt the health department was right. But personally I would have ordered dinner anyway, if I could have.
WEATHER REVIEWS
New York City, December 12, 2024
★★★ The sun was getting everywhere it could, while it could. A beam reflected off the housing tower in next block to shine onto the stoop; the metal edges of the letters on the grocery store sign flared; a bright spot gleamed from the top of an already battered new municipal garbage can. The chill was pure and deep, though a puddle on the sidewalk was still liquid for the moment. Venus was brilliant after dark, and a few cold-whetted stars briefly pierced through the artificial light pollution and the glow of the gibbous moon. By 7:30 the cold air made the inside of the nose hurt, and a thin fabric of cloud was diffusing the moon.
EASY LISTENING DEP'T.
HERE IS TODAY'S Indignity Morning Podcast.
Tom Scocca
Click on this box to find the Indignity Morning Podcast archive.
TOM SCOCCA
ADVICE DEP'T.
GOT SOMETHING YOU need to justify to yourself, or to the world at large? Other columnists are here to judge you, but The Sophist is here to tell you why you’re right. Direct your questions to The Sophist, at indignity@indignity.net, and get the answers you want.
SANDWICH RECIPES DEP'T.
WE PRESENT INSTRUCTIONS in aid of the assembly of a sandwich selected from Hygienic Cook Book: A Collection of Choice Recipes Carefully Tested, by Jacob Arnbrecht, published in 1914 and available at archive.org for the delectation of all.
PROTOSE AND EGG SANDWICHES
1 tbsp. minced protose
Salt and celery salt to taste
1 tsp. lemon juice
1 hard boiled egg
Chop the egg fine or put through a colander, mix all together, then spread on thin slices of buttered bread, and cut into shapes desired.
A lettuce leaf may be put between the slices if desired.
If you decide to prepare and attempt to enjoy a sandwich inspired by this offering, be sure to send a picture to indignity@indignity.net.
