Ooh, Scary! INDIGNITY Halloween Masks 2024
Indignity Vol. 4, No. 190
HOLIDAY ACCESSORIES DEP'T.
PRINT-YOUR-OWN HALLOWEEN MASKS!
IT IS THE scariest of seasons now, but also it is Halloween! Were you too alarmed by the endless howling from the rally stage to remember your costume? Never fear—at least, never fear the costume thing. Once again, INDIGNITY greets the occasion with our annual collection of printer-ready PDFs of do-it-yourself HALLOWEEN MASKS, drawn from the most terrifying topics of today, plus links to our favorite horrors of yesteryear, ready for you to cut out and wear in an emergency. Boo!
Abracadabra! When a billionaire says "Poof!" Washington Post publisher WILL LEWIS is the man who makes things disappear—first Rupert Murdoch's U.K. phone-hacking scandal, now the Kamala Harris endorsement that Post owner Jeff Bezos didn't want to see. For your next trick, saw your subscriber base in half!
Avast! Bored with slurping the livers out of stunned great white sharks, the clever and ruthless ORCA has moved on to sinking yachts. Upend your fellow partygoers' expectations as you capsize everything in sight!
Ugh! You can cook your beef patties to a hard sterile gray, but that won't save your guts when E. coli rides in on a TAINTED ONION! One grubby little allium can shut down 20 percent of the nation's Quarter Pounder supply. Wash your hands!
Brrrr! The sweaty, shouting vanguard of fascism may be alarming, but those overheated goons would never get anywhere without a host of chilly, dead-eyed supporters who see it as a chance to get ahead—like Yale-educated lawyer USHA VANCE, demurely and blankly smiling while her husband calls for anti-immigrant pogroms in their home state. Lock your doors!
Double or nothing! The specter of personal bankruptcy can now haunt the heedless on their own couches or on their own toilets, thanks to the inescapable GAMBLING APP. Somewhere there's a cricket match or a college field hockey game with a betting line ripe for the picking—no one dares look away from you, in case they miss it!
Urp! It's a terror double feature at the hors d'oeuvre table, as diners flee the tainted onion only to run into a platter full of LISTERIA. Be everywhere at once as the bacterium that ruined everything from salads to liverwurst!
Here is a link to a PDF of this year's masks! Arrooo!
Previously in Ooh, Scary! Indignity Halloween masks:
Tom Scocca
Tom Scocca
HOLIDAY THROWBACK DEP'T.
Ooh, Scary! Thirteen Halloween Songs!
WEATHER REVIEWS
New York City, October 29, 2024
★★★★ Morning brought the unfamiliar presence of gray clouds. They yielded to blue, but the more came on. By early afternoon the pavement was damp for the first time in the month; leaves that had blown around indefinitely were now glued down. An airplane appeared, high and bright, in the gap between clouds, then vanished again. The humidity gave the air a raw edge that just offset the warmer temperatures. Wine-red pear leaves lay loose and curled all over the cross-street sidewalk. Up on the Great Hill the red on the ground was from a sugar maple. A stray red leaf was caught in the branches of a nearly bare neighboring tree, where a titmouse was flitting around. The two little sugar maples on the other side of the hill's crest were still holding their leaves but were aflame again, at last. So many other leaves were down and crumbled that the usual path off the hilltop, approached from an unfamiliar angle across the grass, was hard to find, its blacktop gone pale tan. Wraiths or forbidding angels of pale amber reared up on the changing western sky. New dry leaves went skidding up the travel lanes of Central Park West. An Osage orange lay in the bike lane. At night, at the moment sounds and thoughts began to lose their waking contours, the unmistakable rustle of new rain came in the window.
EASY LISTENING DEP'T.
HERE IS TODAY'S Indignity Morning Podcast.
Tom Scocca
Click on this box to find the Indignity Morning Podcast archive.
TOM SCOCCA
SANDWICH RECIPES DEP'T.
IN THE SPIRIT of the holiday, we present this regurge of a previous sandwich offering! Boo!
CANDY THAT’S TOO GOOD FOR TRICK-OR-TREATERS SANDWICH
A plain Hershey’s bar
A roll of ROLO
A Kinder Bueno Crispy Creamy Chocolate Bar
Plain M&M’s
Peanut M&M’s
Candy corn: Don’t give me any static, it’s candy.
An Almond Joy bar
A bag of Turtles
A Twix
A pouch of Justin’s peanut butter goop
Lay down some parchment paper or similar nonstick surface upon which to assemble your sandwich. Use food-service gloves so the candy doesn’t stick to your fingers. Break the Hershey’s bar in half. Hershey’s is perfect for this because it’s like the white bread of candy, super boring on its own. Spread the peanut butter goop on each piece of Hershey’s, then start piling on different types of layers of candy, alternating with more peanut-goop. Smash the whole thing down, flattening as much as possible, and then cut into four pieces. Serve immediately or store in fridge wrapped in parchment paper.
If you decide to prepare and attempt to enjoy a sandwich inspired by this offering, be sure to send a picture to indignity@indignity.net.
MARKETING DEP'T.
We are down to the last 13 copies of the second printing of 19 Folktales, still available for gift-giving and personal perusal! The nights are getting chilly and longer, but the stories are each concise enough to read before your bedtime tea cools off.
