MR WRONG: Tooth and consequences
Indignity Vol. 5, No. 28
COLUMN DEP’T.
MR WRONG: Mush Obliged
I WENT TO the dentist the other day because I had a rotten, traitorous tooth in my head that needed to get yanked, and so, with my Informed Consent, it was removed, and the infrastructure of my mouth-hole was prepared for the eventual implantation of a shiny new fake tooth. Science!
The procedure went as well as that kinda stuff goes, it’s no picnic when the Dentist is jackhammering away on a rotten yet tenacious molar, but Dentistry prevailed! I got the space that formerly accommodated a big-ass tooth filled in with a bone graft and then stitched up tight.
Now is the hard part! I have a fresh new hole in my head, so I have to remember to take antibiotic pills on a strict schedule in order to stave off any infection lying around inside my filthy fucking mouth that could spread from the tooth-hole to my sinuses directly above it, to my eyeball, very near the sinuses, to my brain, aieee!!!
Plus, I have to take Pseudoephedrine, which many people recognize as one of the building blocks of Crystal Meth. This shit always makes me a little drowsy, so I am chugging a lotta coffee to keep my razor-sharp intellect, uh, razor-sharp. I wonder if a li’l Meth could help, drowsiness-wise? Hiyo! Pseudoephedrine is one of the first things I recall drugstores putting under lock and key on account of enterprising freelance drug manufacturers were stealing it to cook up some Crank! I have to take Pseudoephedrine because it is very important that I do not blow my nose forcefully because it could totally fuck up my stitches. Allow me to quote from the Instructional sheet I received:
Do not spit, rinse, suck (using a straw) smoke, drink carbonated or alcoholic beverages for three days. Passively empty your mouth when needed.
Har! I have never in my entire existence, passively emptied my mouth, but I’m trying real hard!
The Dr. Dentist also told me “try not to sneeze,” which is pretty much impossible for me, but the tip they gave me was “sneeze with your mouth open, which means I will not be attending any intimate gatherings for a few days.
I am also taking Acetaminophen, for the pain being expressed by my jaw, which is mourning the loss of one of its enamel children, rotten as it was. So I am eating five pills at a time and remaining well hydrated, which—the hydration—helps keep my belly full while I am on a Soft Diet, aaaggghh!!!
Diet: Drink plenty of fluids. Avoid carbonated and alcoholic beverages. A soft diet will be easiest: yogurt, milkshakes, (no straws), soups, fish, pasta. Nothing too spicy is recommended.
Soft Diet! I had almost a whole pizza left over from Super Bowl, and I have been enjoying it every day, it is a high-class pie made with the really good Italian pizza dough, and it’s super chewy, and the crust is a little on the tough side, in a very entertaining way, but no more! No more pizza for three days! I can’t take it! I’m eating fuckin’ yogurt and soup! Scrambled eggs! I’m so fucked up by this Dental Surgery that I went to the store to buy a buncha cans of sad-soup and I forgot the one thing that would make me happy about all this, Ice Cream! I forgot to buy Ice Cream?!? I’m hopped-up on Pseudoephedrine! I’m not well!
The MR. WRONG COLUMN is a general-interest column appearing weekly. No refunds. Write Wrong: wrongcolumn@gmail.com.
WEATHER REVIEWS
New York City, February 12, 2025
★★★★ An LED headlight beam flared against a turquoise rag as a man wiped the snow off an idling car in the predawn dimness. Everything around was traced in white against wet black. After daybreak, such as it was, a sonorous bonging, like a deep and distant drum, carried in from where a snow shovel was bumping against the iron fence at each stroke. The snow on some car windows had slipped a little, opening curved fish-body shapes along the top of the glass. A new car pulled into the steep-walled black oblong where the idling car had been. All through the day the branches held onto their snow, even the tiny conical clumps in the forks of the dogwood trees. The white shapes endured all the way through the light fading out, just as they'd been when it faded in.
EASY LISTENING DEP'T.
HERE IS TODAY'S Indignity Morning Podcast.
Tom Scocca
Click on this box to find the Indignity Morning Podcast archive.
TOM SCOCCA
ADVICE DEP'T.
GOT SOMETHING YOU need to justify to yourself, or to the world at large? Other columnists are here to judge you, but The Sophist is here to tell you why you’re right. Direct your questions to The Sophist, at indignity@indignity.net, and get the answers you want.
SANDWICH RECIPES DEP'T.
WE PRESENT INSTRUCTIONS in aid of the assembly of a sandwich, selected from A Second Dudley Book of Cookery and Other Recipes, collected and arranged by Georgina Countess of Dudley, published in 1914, available at archive.org for the delectation of all.
EGG SANDWICHES BETWEEN TOAST FOR TEA
SUFFICIENT FOR THREE PERSONS
BOIL two fresh eggs for ten minutes; place in cold water, and shell, dry, and pound in mortar; add one ounce of fresh butter, a little pepper and salt; mix well, and pass through wire sieve. Cut some rounds of bread about a quarter of an inch thick; toast slowly a nice brown; split with a sharp knife whilst hot, place the egg mixture between two pieces of toast, press together, and butter over both outsides with warm butter. Cut into neat sandwiches; place in oven for three or four minutes, and serve very hot.
These sandwiches should be prepared just before they are required, as they spoil if kept waiting.
If you decide to prepare and attempt to enjoy a sandwich inspired by this offering, be sure to send a picture to indignity@indignity.net.
