MR WRONG: The e-LIX-er of life
Indignity Vol. 5, No. 23
COLUMN DEP’T.
MR WRONG: My Super Bowl Runneth Over
ARRROOOO!!! SUNDAY IS the High Holy Day of my Lifestyle! Sunday is “Super Sunday!” The Sunday containing the Super Bowl! Arrroooo!!!! Super Bowl! This year it is Super Bowl LIX, and LIX is not like, some new candy or TikTok thing or whatever, it is the Roman Numerals for 59. The Super Bowl employs Roman Numerals for the game numbers, because Roman Numerals map to Gladiators and they want you to relate Super Bowl athletes’ exploits to “battling” on the “gridiron.” It’s all very militaristic and stuff. Super Bowl is your annual reminder that the United States of America has a large and fearsome Military with jets that will fly over the stadium, usually timed to the end of the presentation of the National Anthem. So it’ll be somebody singing:
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?
AND THEN ONE COOL STEALTH JET OR A BUNCH OF JETS IN A FORMATION WILL SCREAM O’ER HEAD THE STADIUM IN A DISPLAY OF MILITARY SUPERIORITY ROOAAARRRRRR!!!!
That’s a question mark at the end of the verse, because nobody ever sings the whole fuckin’ anthem, it’s four times longer than what you normally hear, have you ever looked at it?
The rah-rah Air Superiority stuff, I’m not really a fan, I think it’s spending a lotta dough on jet fuel. I like the Blimp, you know? Plus, this year they are playing Super Bowl in a dome, so nobody inside will see the jets? I don’t need to be reminded that we live on a planet full of terrifyingly huge armies that sooner or later are going to be unleashed to and fuck each other up, and a lot of us just sitting around minding our own business are gonna get it in the neck, that’s not why I watch Super Bowl! I want to relax! I see those fuckin’ jets and then I think, great this is the perfect fucking time for The Enemy to attack! They know what we’re all doing! Super Bowl!
A coupla beers later, though, Super Bowl!
Wait, back to the Roman Numerals, except for Super Bowl L, I just remembered, Roman Numerals-wise, they didn’t use the Roman Numeral system for that one, which they called Super Bowl 50, because L was probably too confusing, stuff woulda been like Super BowlL” in people’s minds or something, Oh The Humanities! This public-facing shit is run by fear-soaked Advertising people who don’t want anything to put a kink in the hose of the Super dollars this event generates. They gotta sell Doritos and stuff, and they can’t let America squint its brain at Super Bowl Number L, ouch!
Anyway! SUPER BOWL! Who is playing? Who cares? I don’t fucking care, it’s Super Bowl! Super Bowl is playing! Here is the logo for Super Bowl!
It’s trippy, eh? A graven Image of the Super Bowl trophy, the Frozen Tundra of Lambeau FIeld Lombardi Trophy, is in there, and it looks like an extra letter, hah? I wonder why they didn’t make it the “I?” part of LIX? If you just read it all in order it’s LNFLIIXSUPERBOWL! Or maybe LINFLIXSUPERBOWL? Super Bowl!
Here is Complete Information for Super Bowl LIX that I scooped up over at Wikipedia, which is a good place for Facts:
Super Bowl LIX is the upcoming American football championship game of the National Football League (NFL) for the 2024 season. The game is scheduled to begin at 6:30pm Eastern Time, on February 9, 2025, at Caesars Superdome in New Orleans, Louisiana.[5] A rematch of Super Bowl LVII two years prior, the game will be played between American Football Conference (AFC) champion and two-time defending Super Bowl champion, the Kansas City Chiefs, and National Football Conference (NFC) champion, the Philadelphia Eagles.
It will be the eighth Super Bowl played in the Superdome, and the eleventh overall played in New Orleans; the most recent played in New Orleans was Super Bowl XLVII in 2013, held in the same venue.[6] The game will be televised in the United States by Fox and streamed on Tubi.[7]
Super Bowl! Tubi! At a lot of viewings of the Bowls Super, I like to cook stuff, like chicken wings or nachos, maybe get the onion soup mix, go crazy with the Golden Onion flavor, or the California Dip, and add some Worcestershire sauce, go crazy with the crudité, but this Bowl there will be a strategic series of differently-toppinged pizzas served, from four different pizzerias, timed to each quarter of Super Bowl!
I am gonna take it easy and concentrate on the Squares. I am very excited about the Squares! As faithful readers of the Mr. Wrong column know, the grid of Squares is my favorite way to gamble on Super Bowl, because you get a random vertices, vertex, what is that thing, where the lines on a grid intersect? Oh yeah, the Intersection! Super Bowl! No skill required! You get some random numbers that are picked when all the blank squares have been purchased, it’s 0–9 digits, assigned from a grid of 100 squares, on the vertical and horizontal of the grid, corresponding to the two teams playing Super Bowl, and then if any of your squares-numbers line up with the second digit of the score, you win, so you don’t root for teams, you root for your Number! It is a Pure enthusiasm!
Here is a creative example of a Super Bowl grid contest that the KIA car company is doing, a buncha cars parked on a grid! It doesn’t cost any money, but you gotta put in your email, so you’ll end up getting showered in KIA propaganda for the rest of your life.
There’s a hundred cars on a 10x10 grid, see? I don’t know if that’s a real picture or an AI crap-shot, it’s probably fake, I don’t know. Right before Super Bowl, the KIA will assign numbers on the left side and the top, and the teams will be assigned to those, the vertical and the horizontal, and then you’ll have a shot at a random drawing for a car if your numbers hit. I totally signed up, and I do not get anything for telling you about KIA, I am just using them to fill space in my column! Super Bowl! Here’s a picture of the grid coordinate I picked to win a car.
Also, for the first time, which I did not know, because please see above and my comments about The Enemy, this year The President of The United States of America is going to attend Super Bowl, which makes the whole fucking thing a triple-fucked-up Security Risk, ugh. I guess that’s why they are erasing the END RACISM slogan, like the ones that have been displayed in the end zones of football stadiums? POTUS has trouble with Critical End Zone Theory? I’m glad I’m not at the game, but I gotta say, I think the Halftime performance of Kendrick Lamar will be Super entertaining.
The MR. WRONG COLUMN is a general-interest column appearing weekly. No refunds. Write Wrong: wrongcolumn@gmail.com.
The MR. WRONG COLUMN is a general-interest column appearing weekly. No refunds. Write Wrong: wrongcolumn@gmail.com.
WEATHER REVIEWS
New York City, February 5, 2025
★★★ The heavy clouds that stifled the first daylight eased into a rumpled surface loose enough to let some blue show through. By late morning the twigs and branches out the window were aglow. The cold bored gently through the knit hat and stiffened the muscles of the cheeks. The destination for a hot beverage kept changing, finally settling on the strongest and most reliable option. The sun put a shimmer into the crosswalk stripes. The park beside the cathedral was closed off, but the coffee cooled off fast that it was possible to drink most of it on the corner, standing up, without it seeming unduly awkward. The breeze made a tuft of feathers quiver on the remains of a pigeon mashed into an indecipherable mass of winged parts, like a biblically literalist seraph in the middle of Amsterdam Avenue.
EASY LISTENING DEP'T.
HERE IS TODAY'S Indignity Morning Podcast.
Tom Scocca
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TOM SCOCCA
ADVICE DEP'T.
GOT SOMETHING YOU need to justify to yourself, or to the world at large? Other columnists are here to judge you, but The Sophist is here to tell you why you’re right. Direct your questions to The Sophist, at indignity@indignity.net, and get the answers you want.
SANDWICH RECIPES DEP'T.
WE PRESENT INSTRUCTIONS in aid of the assembly of sandwiches selected from A Book Of Unusual Recipes: Compiled For The Members Of The Parent-Teacher's Association Of Oakton School, Compiled by Mrs. Vincent M. Reed and Alice Eckert Campbell, Evanston, Illinois, available at archive.org for the delectation of all.
Broiled Open Sandwich
Toast a slice of bread on one side. Cover the untoasted side with a thin slice of cooked ham; put on a layer of old English cheese and on that a thick slice of tomato. Sprinkle with salt, pepper, and mustard. Broil under a flame until cheese melts. Cold chicken may be used instead of ham.
—Sheila White.
If you decide to prepare and attempt to enjoy a sandwich inspired by this offering, be sure to send a picture to indignity@indignity.net.
