MR WRONG: Gray matters
Indignity Vol. 4, No. 71
COLUMN DEP’T.
MR WRONG: The Best Gambling Companion Is a Brain You Can Trust
I AM FRIENDS with my Brain. Are you? Do you like your Brain, or is it tough to get along with? I think (see?) I am pretty fortunate to have a nice Brain, which has given me many hours—years, even—of entertainment and service, and doesn’t ask for much in return, even when I drink a bunch of cocktails, resulting in the destruction of billions of its tiny but active cells, which I have heard can never be replaced, have you heard that? How is your Brain? I hope it is a nice one, and if it’s not, there’s all kinds of things you can do now to help your Brain get along, and not just Drugs. I mean, a lot of the stuff for Brains is Drugs, especially this one lately, Ketamine, which I always thought was an Animal Tranquilizer or something, right before people starting calling it a “Club Drug,” which is like, also what they would call “Designer Drugs,” which are all just Speed with something different in their Molecule, but I try and stay away from that kind of thing, even thought I saw the Movie “24 Hour Party People,” which explained how in England there was a Club Drug scene, and it fueled an entire Music Scene, and it was all because of a Club. OK, you gotta go to the Club to do Drugs? I give a qualified recommendation to that movie because it stars Steve Coogan, not errbody’s Drug of Choice, but I think he’s OK, especially in those movies he made called The Trip or something like that, but completely not about a “trip” on LSD or anything, just going on trips with his friend and they would have conversations and stuff and not be honest with each other, and that’s where the Drama is in the movies, but also the Michal Caine impressions, they trade-off doing them. Also there is the whole “My Cocaine,” thing, and here we are back to Drugs again, I’m trying to get back to my Brain, not Drugs!
All right, I was trying to say before my Brain led me down that previous paragraph, everything I know is because of my Brain, all the stuff I have enjoyed on purpose, was thought up by my Brain. Hey, here’s an example of my Brain in Action. Here are the original notes for this column:
Dreaming
Lack of sleep
Psychotic
Lack of sleep drug of choice
Dreamlike state = dissociation
Controlled dissociation like controlled dreaming
10 percent of your brain - I use 100 percent of my brain
Brain is inefficient by nature
Lots of dumbasses with big heads, having a big head means zero
None of that stuff is in this column, except because I am showing you my notes! I wrote a whole column because of those notes, but my Brain sandbagged on all the stuff in the notes and that’ll be next week’s column! I love my Brain, it’s always looking out for me.
OK, back to this week’s column: My Brain and I also contend that all the Bad Stuff that has happened to me, well, my wonderful Brain completely de-emphasises and makes that crap way less memorable compared to the Good Things! It is a very nice service provided by a Brain, and I know many people who suffer from having had terrible experiences, beyond the suffering of the experience itself, because they don’t have that feature in full effect in their Brain, or they have a Brain that features their Trauma, and there’s no Miracle yet, to shift gears, but we have therapy and stuff now, way better than ever in History, and there’s also, besides Ketamine and LSD and stuff, these electronic gizmos you can wear and it looks like they are useful in calming your Brain down. I am not a user of this device, but I think I would check it out if I had tried other things to help my Brain, just saying. Also I am not getting any cash or Insider Trading stock tips from this company, mentioning it in my Column because I am an Influencer, har! Nope, I just want folks to be happy and have a good relationship with their Brain, like I do. I’m not bragging, I realize it’s a complete crapshoot, and I don’t even understand gambling with dice, my brain just knows how to play Blackjack and Video Poker, and the only reason I am any good at Video Poker is because I bought this tiny little book when I was in Vegas one time, and it’s all about how to reduce the House Edge on all the Casino games. Not like, how to make a million bucks, just how to not make a bunch of moves to basically hand the casino your dough, see? So I can play video poker for hours on not a lotta money and most of the time walk away with my original budget (50 to a hunski) and usually a little more, because I ran that book through my Brain and we enjoyed it.
I just wasted a whole bunch of time trying to find that damn book about wagering, and now I am in Deadline trouble with this week’s column, but check it out: I looked in all of my usual spots for that book, the spots I keep Important Documents, and while I was looking for the book, I found my Social Security Card, which I thought was lost forever, and the last time I needed it was when my wife won a thousand bucks on a dollar scratch-off, and I was gonna go cash it for her, but they need a Social Security card to let you do that, like, you can’t use your Drivers License, even one of the new “Real ID” or whatever ones, which I have, and that’s because I went to the Motor Vehicle with like ten forms of ID, one of which, it turns out was my Social Security card, and then I stashed all that stuff because, hey, now I have Real ID, right? Yeah, anyway, it’s a happy ending, my Brain led me to all these spots in the house where I stash things (not drugs) and I found my Gambling Mini-Bible in spot number two, the little lunchbox where I keep the stickers and change and dollar bills for when we have a Yard Sale, which, wow, my Brain is really veering now. Lemme get back to square one!
The slogo for Responsible Gambling is: Bet With Your Head, Not Over It, and my personal slogo is Gamble With Your Brain, Not On It, But Also Not On Drugs, Unless They Are Good For Your Brain, OK? Thank you.
The MR. WRONG COLUMN is a general-interest column appearing weekly wherever it can appear. No refunds. Write Wrong: wrongcolumn@gmail.com.
WEATHER REVIEWS
New York City, April 24, 2024
★★ After a gloomy dawn and breakfast hour, the clustered puffs of cloud on the brilliant late-morning zenith were like celebratory fireworks. Robins moved in the undulating clumps of grass in the unmown lawn above the Pool. Down by the shore, an aroma of wet things was ripening. A rain shower appeared in midafternoon, mild and brief enough to have been meaningless, had it not been exactly timed to ruin the walk back across the Park. Another bout of rain was falling when the younger boy got back from basketball, as clear sun poured in from the south.
EASY LISTENING DEP'T.
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TOM SCOCCA
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Let us know at indignity@indignity.net if you encounter difficulties with the links. We're still trying to see what works! Thank you for trying to listen! Podcast!
SANDWICH RECIPES DEP’T.
WE PRESENT INSTRUCTIONS in aid of the assembly of the final three sandwiches selected from Uncooked Foods & How To Use Them: A Treatise On How To Get The Highest Form Of Animal Energy From Food, by Eugene Christian. Published in 1924, and now in the Public Domain and available at archive.org for the delectation of all.
CHEESE AND DATE SANDWICH.
Spread the unfired cracker with Philadelphia cream cheese, then a layer of date butter, and cover the other piece of bread with cream cheese also, and press both firmly together.
Fig butter and unfired crackers also make nice sandwiches.
CREAM CHEESE SANDWICH.
Spread the cheese between unfired wafers, making the cheese as thick as the wafer.
If you decide to prepare and attempt to enjoy a sandwich inspired by this offering, be sure to send a picture to indignity@indignity.net.
MARKETING DEP'T.
The second printing of 19 FOLK TALES is now available for gift-giving and personal perusal! Sit in the strengthening sunshine with a breezy collection of stories, each of which is concise enough to read before the damp ground seeps through your blanket.
HMM WEEKLY MINI-ZINE, Subject: GAME SHOW, Joe MacLeod’s account of his Total Experience of a Journey Into Television, expanded from the original published account found here at Hmm Daily. The special MINI ZINE features other viewpoints related to an appearance on, at, and inside the teevee game show Who Wants to Be A Millionaire, available for purchase at SHOPULA.
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