MR WRONG: Renewable column energy
Indignity Vol. 4, No. 145
COLUMN DEP’T.
MR WRONG: Cool as Ice in an Emergency
I AM FEELING a wave of super Déjà Vu Coucher about this week’s Mr. Wrong column, which is part three of what I thought was a good idea for a column. SPOILER ALERT: There are no bad ideas for Columns, only Bad Columns! And Columners! Always Be Columning!
The Unexamined Column is Not Worth Writing, which, I know, that’s a Time Machine-type Paradox, but I have come to realize that I was so fucking bored with the topic of the previous two installments of what I promise will only be a three-part column, that I kept interrupting myself for other stuff and so I stretched out an already paper-thin membrane of interest, and even my own Self-Interest, which is “G-d level,” as the Music Artists, Computo-Gamesters, and I say, and so here I am in Week Three of this thing I Hath Wrought, which makes me feel, like, as Imperfect as it is, I kinda Accomplished something, you know?
JOE MACLEOD
Seriously, I got two columns—three, if I can land this one—out of: “Hey errbody, I went on Vacation for a week, and when we got back, there was a Power Failure and the contents of our Refrigerator were in peril.”
JOE MACLEOD
Fucking positively Snoresville, yo! My Self-Esteem is off the charts, but this time, my deep sense of Self-Satisfaction and Achievement is 100 because I went, like, beyond mere “Padding” of a flimsy topic, yeah! I brought in all kindsa distracting elements in order to keep myself awake long enough to hit wordcount! Always Be Wordcounting! I say this to the Youths who may be interested in this as a Career, har!
Think about the frowzy lineup of mugs over at the New York Times, for instance, most of those motherscratchers lean on the Comedy Crutch of Politics, what a hacky row to hoe! Seriously, a bunch of ‘em, all they do is go Opposite and they get “engagement,” you know? It’s like The Facebook over there! Politics is the THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID of Columning, it’s a kneejerk travesty of Thought Leadership! Not here at the Award-Winning Mr. Wrong column though! We go almost Zero Percent Politics as Content, and we go Less Than Zero on Thought AND Leadership! Sub-Zero! I put this Intellectual Property up against any of those overpaid typists, and I say that as an underpaid typist!
Alright, enough about me and my Column (Award-Winning), let’s wrap up this Fridge debacle! I left you on the edge of the cliff with our entire Household of Frozen and Refrigerated foodstuffs in peril. I had consulted our Deep-Freezer-State Government:
I figured we'd have a day or two, to just, like, leave the fridge alone, don’t open it, but the Federal Government had different guidance!
“As the USDA notes in Keeping Food Safe During an Emergency, your refrigerator will keep food safe for up to 4 hours during a power outage. Keep the door closed as much as possible. Discard refrigerated perishable food such as meat, poultry, fish, eggs, and leftovers after 4 hours without power.”
Oh no, I just hit wordcount! Seriously, I’m sorry, I am not in a Union, so I have to protect myself and not just give out my Labor and Work Product! We will conclude this next week: TO BE CONTINUED
I am sure I didn’t fool you with that, but I hadda try! I wasn’t even close to wordcount! OK, so I sprang into action and jumped in my Pontiac Vibe and drove out, way out to the outskirts of the City of Baltimore not affected by the Power Outage and I bought many bags of ice.
We deployed our home’s fleet of coolers, great and small. We jammed frozen food into our Flagship, the Coleman 100 Qt Xtreme® Wheeled Cooler with Five-Day Performance, a cooler of monstrous proportions approaching the size of a coffin!
With one replenishment of ice, which then turned out to be be available at a gas station right near my house that had lost power but had a kickass supply of still-frozen ice and was performing cash-only transactions—dude was doing Math with a pencil and writing stuff down in a notebook, my Hero—we successfully staved off three days of 90-degree heat and no fridge and preserved at least 80 percent of our frozen and refrigerated groceries! This has been an Unsolicited Testimonial for the Coleman Xtreme® Cooler.
THE END
The MR. WRONG COLUMN is a general-interest column appearing weekly. No refunds. Write Wrong: wrongcolumn@gmail.com.
WEATHER REVIEWS
Montreal, August 20, 2024
★★ The sky was gray again, or still, and the air had an autumn rawness. People went out to buy new coats or jackets to supplement the inadequate layers they'd brought north. Up and out of the underground shopping center, on Raoul Wallenberg Square, pigeons waddled as if they'd lost the power of flight, till one took off and flapped out of sight, not two feet off the ground, around the low hedge. A house sparrow scratched itself behind the head with one foot, like a dog with fleas. Amid the street and sidewalk closures, the green shoulder of Mount Royal off to the left affirmed that the Google Maps instructions were leading the right way. Within the shelter of the campus, the coolness felt more springlike. An unscheduled drizzle, bordering on light rain, began to fall, then stopped. The daylight strengthened till the street trees were casting regularly spaced blobs of shade. An evening shower, this one matching the forecast, left wet pavement and some leftover raindrops on the walk to pick up takeout noodles. Yellowish light came around the churning clouds, and a band of blue sky came into view behind the big hill.
Montreal, August 21, 2024
★ Despite what sounded like thunder, the morning rain was merely annoying to trudge through. The tour-bus windows made the grayness even darker on the views of the striking hotel workers, the statue of Queen Victoria, the central rail station. Muddy water flowed down the hill from the Notre-Dame Basilica. People stood in doorways smoking. The river was choppy and flecked with white; the grass on the shoulder of the Formula One route lay flat and luminous. Benches stood empty in the lush-lawned public parks. The autofocus on the phone camera kept fixing on the raindrops on the window rather than the view beyond. Off-duty police horses stood around in the mud. From Mount Royal the Olympic Stadium tower was nearly invisible.
EASY LISTENING DEP'T.
CLICK ON THIS box to find the Indignity Morning Podcast archive.
TOM SCOCCA
SANDWICH RECIPES DEP'T.
WE PRESENT INSTRUCTIONS in aid of the assembly of a sandwich selected from The Swedish, French, American Cook Book, by Mrs. Maria Mathilda Ericsson Hammond, published in 1918, and now in the Public Domain and available at archive.org for the delectation of all.
Nut Sandwiches (Sandwiches aux Noisettes)
Four tablespoons thick mayonnaise dressing, one pound mixed nuts.
Put the mixed nuts in hot water and peel; chop very fine. Cut thin slices of bread — two for each sandwich; spread with mayonnaise dressing; cover with the chopped nuts; sprinkle with pepper and salt to taste; put another slice of the spread bread on top; cut out with the star cutter; arrange on a paper doily; garnish with parsley in the centre. Serve for afternoon tea.
If you decide to prepare and attempt to enjoy a sandwich inspired by this offering, be sure to send a picture to indignity@indignity.net.
MARKETING DEP'T.
Supplies are really and truly running low of the second printing of 19 FOLK TALES, still available for gift-giving and personal perusal! Sit in the crushing heat with a breezy collection of stories, each of which is concise enough to read before the thunderstorms start.
LESS THAN 5 COPIES LEFT: HMM WEEKLY MINI-ZINE, Subject: GAME SHOW, Joe MacLeod’s account of his Total Experience of a Journey Into Television, expanded from the original published account found here at Hmm Daily. The special MINI ZINE features other viewpoints related to an appearance on, at, and inside the teevee game show Who Wants to Be A Millionaire, and is available for purchase at SHOPULA.
