MR WRONG: Power nap
Indignity Vol. 4, No. 167
COLUMN DEP’T.
MR WRONG: My Gas Meter Ran Out of Gas
SOMETIMES I WAKE up in the morning (OK, sometimes I wake up in the afternoon) and it’s fine, I’m still here, huzzah! So I get up, and I am awake, but sometimes I wake up but then I don’t get up, do you ever do that? I just kinda wake up but then I go ahead and take a preëmptive nap, like I am gonna get some extra sleepytime night-night without doing anything before it, you know, to make it seem like I “earned” it or whatever? An early nap!
I swear the only reason I do this is because I am confused because I just woke up, and then I go and make a bad decision. I have been trying to not do this nap-without-getting-outta-bed thing because it totally scrambles my brain for the morning, like, if I do the extra sleepy-time after my usual seven or eight, or nine, I’m not gonna lie, sometimes ten, but also like, three or four, because I had some sorta weirdo late-night work deadline? Ugh. It’s kinda all over the place.
Anyway, like I thought I was trying say, if I am in my comfy bed and do that extra naptime-time right after I wake up, I always have some sorta instant snap-dream, and it’s always a boring one, like, it’ll be all about what I would normally be doing if I got up, I dream that I am making the bed or taking a shower or going downstairs to open the blinds to let all the nice, awakening daylight into my castle, and then maybe I am knocking back a big glass of water to be healthy and start my day, and then I’ll turn the radio on and listen to some music while I have a cuppa coffee, etc. That’s the dream! Totally banal, totally sleep-inducing! I dream myself into a stupor and then I sleep more and dream even more boring-er dreams! I mean all of other people’s dreams are boring, but these are so boring they put me to sleep when I am already asleep.
It’s like I am trying to The Matrix myself, and eat the color of The Matrix vitamin-pill that keeps you in The Matrix, I guess, I always forget which color. Anyway, I fall asleep and have some flavor of the same dopey dream all about having a normal-ass day while I am really stackin’ Zs. It’s kinda bad, I think, because when I really get up out of the sack, it’s usually because I have to get up, I do not have a choice, I gotta go someplace or do something, and so I get up and I am ripping myself out of my healthy sleep cycle, even though it is a tacked-on sleep cycle after I technically got my sleep out. That’s bad, and it makes you more sleepy! I have studied this topic and I know all about this stuff, with the chemicals in your brain that respond to light and how there’s other chemicals that relax you, so you can be partially paralyzed and sleep deeply, but all my knowledge doesn’t stop me from making a poor choice in the morning sometimes.
The times I really snap outta bed are when I have a Thing to attend, like the Power Company is gonna come at 7 a.m. to do some annoying Power Company thing and I gotta let the Power Company person into the basement to do the thing. This time it’s the fucking gas meter, the Power company (the identity of which I will not identify, but their initials are BGE) told me the other day that they are sad because the gas meter, a so-called “smart meter,” is not talking to them, so they are sad, and would like to hear from it so they can charge me probably more dough for whatever gas I used that their so-called “smart meter” failed to rat on me about to the Power Company. It’s a “smart meter,” but hey, it needs to have a new battery put into it so it can continue to inform on me. I don’t care how smart this “smart meter” is, how smart is the Power Company's “smart meter” if it runs out of power? They are the fucking Power Company! Power! Is that a Zen riddle-paradox; “How smart is the Power Company’s 'power meter' if it runs out of power?” I guess not, because the answer is that the Power Company is not smart, and they want me to fucking get up early so that they can fix their so-called “smart meter!”
Anyway, so I have a date with somebody from the Power Company, and I will set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. so I can take a shower and fix my hair and put on some Right Guard and Brut (my special combinated signature scent) and dress up nice for the arrival of the Power Company. Har! I will set my alarm for 6:45 and I will put on a pair of pants so I can open the door for the goddamn fucking Power Company so it can put power into its dumbass “smart meter.”
I don’t know what happened to this column today, I apologize, it was supposed to be about getting some exercise right after you wake up, but I never got outta bed. Why can’t I dream about writing my column? Coming next week: Exercise, which is also kinda boring. Thank you.
The MR. WRONG COLUMN is a general-interest column appearing weekly. No refunds. Write Wrong: wrongcolumn@gmail.com.
WEATHER REVIEWS
New York City, September 25, 2024
★★ Opening the first shutter revealed there was no hurry to open the rest: the clouds had hastened that dread, inevitable moment when the dwindling daylight was no longer enough to cover the morning. Out in the damp gray-green of a day as full as it would get, dead leaves darted like vermin in the peripheral vision. Feeble though it was, the outside light picked out a stubborn grease stain on the t-shirt that the indoor lighting had concealed. Electric-boosted Citi Bikes rolled up the grade from Fifth Avenue into the Park with a labored whirring. Along the way back across the Park to dinner, a pair of maples showed red patches in the quickly fading day, and streaks of gold swung on an elm. A few drops of rain came down.
EASY LISTENING DEP'T.
HERE IS TODAY'S Indignity Morning Podcast.
Tom Scocca
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TOM SCOCCA
SANDWICH RECIPES DEP'T.
WE PRESENT INSTRUCTIONS in aid of the assembly of a sandwich selected from 250 Meatless Menus And Recipes To Meet The Requirements Of People Under The Varying Conditions Of Age, Climate And Work, by Eugene Christian and Mollie Griswold Christian, published in 1910, and now in the Public Domain and available at archive.org for the delectation of all.
MAPLE CREAM SANDWICHES
To one-half cup of finely shaved maple sugar add one-half cup grated nuts (protoid nuts preferred), Mix all to a paste with thick sweet cream, and spread between crackers or bread.
If you decide to prepare and attempt to enjoy a sandwich inspired by this offering, be sure to send a picture to indignity@indignity.net.
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