MR WRONG: Onions, pepperoni, solidarity

COLUMN DEP’T.

MR WRONG: Don't Let Uber Steal a Piece of Your Domino's Pie

I USED TO deliver pizzas for Domino’s, and I ate hella free pizza while I worked there, and I never got tired of it, because I love pizza, and yes, Domino’s is pizza, go fuck yourself.

I made decent money at Domino’s because I had a small car that got good gas mileage, I never fucked up an order, and I got those pies out fast, this was back in the days of the “30 Minutes Or Less” guarantee. I never gave away a late pizza, and I did pretty good on tips, which was important, because we got paid sub-sub-sub Minimum Wage, because there was the possibility of tips. Speaking of, the best nights to deliver were the first of the month (check day) and the 15th (supplemental check day), and the people who tipped well (or at least minimally) were on the poor sides of town, not in the affluent neighborhoods, where I got stiffed all the time.

Anyway, while I have a wonderful selection of plain and fancy pizza available in my Major Metropolitan Area, I also have a sentimental place in my stomach for a Domino’s pie, and every once in a while I order one and get it delivered to my castle. Dealing with the Public is difficult, and driving is a pain in the ass, and being in Food Service is a difficult pain in the ass, so I always make sure to give the driver a good tip, in cash. My people!

The last time I bought a pizza from Domino’s, I got a coupon for a free pizza, which made me wonder if business was bad for Domino’s?

I mean, never give away your product, come on. Also right now if you are snorting to yourself about how Domino’s is a crappy pizza and giving it away is the only way they could get anybody to eat it, again, go fuck yourself, it’s pizza.

I don’t know how much Television you watch, but I have a Black Belt in it, and the Pizza industry is right up there with the Insurance industry in terms of advertising saturation. You got GEICO, Progressive, Liberty Mutual, State Farm, Allstate, and Farmers Insurance.

The Pizzaverse has Domino’s, and Papa Johns, and Pizza Hut, and Little Caesars, to name but a few.

You might have problems with Domino’s beyond their pizzas, you might not like their politics, the way people have issues with the Chicken Fillet restaurant and the Papa Johns pizza chain, which used to have a problematic owner/figurehead, but my beef right now is not about the Ownership, it’s about the Workers, who control the means of production, and they are standing on the verge of getting it in the neck! Look at this bullshit, an email I got the other day:

This is some Union-busting bullshit even before there’s a Union! You gotta have a certain type of car to be an Uber driver, it can’t be too old. For instance, I drive a 2005 Pontiac Vibe, and that would preclude me right now from driving for Uber, but it would not exclude me from earning some cash delivering pies for Domino’s. If you drive Uber you are supposed to let your car insurance know you’re an Uber driver, so they can jack up your rate (while they tell you they are expanding your coverage, of course), and I know there’s bunches of Domino’s drivers out there who might not exactly be ridin’ dirty, but they’re definitely jamming Econo, judging by the types of cars I’ve seen pull up to my bumper with my medium Pan Pizza (well done, onions, pepperoni, NO garlic-seasoned crust), and those Domino’s drivers are never gonna be Uber drivers, and this is Domino’s importing a buncha scabs before there’s a Union before there’s a Strike! This is Capitalism, right? Rise up, Domino’s drivers! My pizza is getting cold.

The MR. WRONG COLUMN is a general-interest column appearing weekly wherever it can appear. No refunds. Write Wrong: wrongcolumn@gmail.com.

WEATHER REVIEWS

New York City to Baltimore, December 6, 2023

★★★ The downtown C stopped at 42nd Street for an "investigation," and the final walk to Penn Station was gloom-shaded and cold. Out over New Jersey, slashes in the cloud cover let through beams that evoked accusatory spotlights rather than heavenly glory. Off in the west down low was a rim of bright but undersaturated orange. Somewhere south of Metropark the sun found a blue sickle-shaped rift and shone through for a few seconds. Around East Trenton full rich light began pouring up the tracks, illuminating the dead leaves in the gravel like tiny lanterns and silvering a wall of cinderblocks. A raft of gulls floated pure white on the water. Toward Philadelphia the clouds separated into bright-edged strips of gray and slate blue. The landscape kept throwing out things to challenge the beautifying power of the light, and the light kept painting them into gorgeousness anyway: rank brown weeds, a siding full of tanker cars, actual piles of scrap metal. Faced with the Philadelphia skyline, the light just flared against it so hard that it was impossible to make out the shapes of the buildings. A deep red sky glowed over the darkened Susquehanna with the holiday lights of Havre de Grace beyond. The clock said it was still early but the cab ride felt like it was passing through the deepest belly of night. The hotel room was spacious and persistently chilly.

SANDWICH RECIPES DEP’T.

WE PRESENT INSTRUCTIONS for the assembly of select sandwiches from The Modern Cook Book and Household Recipes, revised and edited by Lily Haxworth Wallace, Lecturer on Foods, Contributor to the "National Food Magazine," Etc., Published in 1912. This book is in the Public Domain and available at archive.org for the delectation of all.

Cheese Sandwiches
Cut very thin slices of rich cheese, lay thin on brown bread, dust lightly with cayenne or paprika, and cover as usual. Or use grated Edam or Parmesan cheese in the same way. Or grate mild domestic cream cheese, mix with chili sauce or tomato catsup, and spread between either white or brown bread.

Nut Sandwiches
Chop or grind equal parts of peanuts, English walnuts, and pecans; mix well, with plenty of salt; mix with enough softened butter or thick, rich cream to bind together, add a dash of paprika, and spread between thin slices of entire wheat or brown bread. Either of these nuts may be used alone if preferred or more convenient.

Cheese-and-Nut Sandwiches
Chop cream cheese, mix it with an equal quantity of chopped nut meat, add salt and a dash of cayenne; spread between slightly buttered slices of bread. Cut in rounds or triangles.

If you decide to prepare and attempt to enjoy a sandwich inspired by this offering, be sure to send a picture to indignity@indignity.net.

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MARKETING DEP'T.

The second printing of 19 FOLK TALES is now available for Holiday gift-giving and personal perusal!

U.S. Postal Service media mail delivery takes an estimated 4 to 8 business days, which leaves approximately six days of shopping time before it turns into a gamble against the calendar.

During those days—and afterward, for adrenaline junkies and/or Eastern Orthodox shoppers—the author stands ready to hand-fulfill orders as they come in, even at the cost of dealing with that one clerk at the neighborhood post office whose whole thing is trying to start a fight with everyone who steps up to her window. Happy holidays!

HMM WEEKLY MINI-ZINE, Subject: GAME SHOW, Joe MacLeod’s account of his Total Experience of a Journey Into Television, expanded from the original published account found here at Hmm Daily. The special MINI ZINE features other viewpoints related to an appearance on, at, and inside the teevee game show Who Wants to Be A Millionaire, available for purchase at SHOPULA.

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