MR WRONG: No limit hold 'em

COLUMN DEP’T.

MR WRONG: My Cruddy Car Can't Corner With a Cup of Coffee in the Cupholder

I AM THE safe and conscientious and defensive and very good driver, excellent driver, of a 2000 Honda Civic. It was a gift, if you can believe that, because the previous owner couldn’t bring themself to sell me the car—even for the preliminarily discussed and agreed-upon price of $500—because they would feel bad if I hadda drop a lot of repair-cash on it, on account it is from The Year 2000, and has over 187,000 miles on it, and the hood is all screwed up, it’s bent really bad so you can see into the engine compartment, and the trunk is rusted out so there’s a giant rust-hole in the corner of the trunk over the passenger-side rear wheel, but that’s nothing, no problem, the car drives great, lotsa power, and it’s so old I don’t have to do the emissions test, which I don’t understand, but it’s the way it is here in Maryland, all you gotta do is get a “Historic” license plate and you don’t have to worry about how you are polluting the world with your internal combustion engine, and I know, it’s bad, the ice is melting, but I don’t put a lot of miles on the car, and I have, in my tiny but active mind, figured out I can justify not getting the emissions tested on my 2000 Honda Civic because, One: it still totally has a catalytic convertor to absorb pollution, and B: I am driving this old-ass car instead of buying a new car. 

Think about all the carbons I would be debited for if I bought a brand new Ford Bronco or something. It takes hella carbons to make a new car! I am a Hero of the Environment, because I am a re-user! I will drive this car until it can’t be a car anymore! 

I used to have a 1996 Civic, and I put over 385,000 miles on that thing. It was great, had a five-speed, fun to drive. I kinda did the same thing with my ’96, gave it to a friend because I felt like it was worthless. I mean, it still rolled, it was a car, it was just tired. The driver’s seat had over 385,000 miles of ass on it, woof, kinda dead. I replaced the 1996 Civic with a 2005 Pontiac Vibe, after seriously considering buying a new car because I fell into some cash. 

I have said this a buncha times, but it felt really wasteful to buy a new car. I felt like a rube every time I went to a dealership and took a test drive. A whole shiny-new car? I drove one that woulda cost $45K, and I ended up getting a car that satisfied all my needs (ability to go places too far to walk to, ability to transport items from Costco), and had airbags and seatbelts and stuff for three grand. There’s already a zillion cars! Anyway, my new-to-me Civic has a serious design flaw. The cupholders are way down underbeneath the dashboard, all the way in front of the gear selector.

Also, more importantly, the cupholders are too shallow. I put a cuppa coffee in one of the cup-holes, and I have to be careful turning corners otherwise the cup tips over and spills! I am talking about a regular Starbucks small (“tall,” I think they call it?) cup of coffee. This is bad! I have been driving around sometimes with one hand on the wheel and one hand on my cup of coffee because I am trying not to spill it! This is dangerous! Don’t tell me not to drink coffee in my car! I see people watching movies in their goddamn car! I have been looking on goddamn Amazon for things to put in the cupholder to make it hold cups better, and it’s making me angry. There are all kinds of things to make the holder able to hold wider items, but there isn’t anything that looks like the thing that would just make the cup-hole taller, so the cup won’t tip over, but without being too tall, because of where the stupid cupholder spot is in this car. 

Also, what the hell are people putting in cupholders?!? Look at this shit:

What the hell is the matter with this country? A bucket of fried chicken in the cupholder? How do you drive the car with grease all over your hands?

I can’t take it. If I can’t figure out how to make my cupholder-hole taller, I might have to buy a new car.

The MR. WRONG COLUMN is a general-interest column appearing weekly wherever it can appear. No refunds. Write Wrong: wrongcolumn@gmail.com.  

WEATHER REVIEWS

New York City, May 22, 2024

★★★★ The first sight outside the front door was an egret overhead, blazing white wings flapping against the cloudless sky. A man in a wide-brimmed hat was up a stepladder hanging stage equipment in a tree above the Pool. Cut grass lay clumped in the honeycombed pattern of tire treads on the path by the ballfields. Chattering children in colored t-shirts spilled onto a field like water from an open hydrant. There was no way to walk purposefully without breaking a sweat. Still, even in the full flush of afternoon, there was no need to retreat any further than the nearest shade. The train platform at the Museum of Natural History was packed. Flags stirred as a breeze made its way past the luxury hotel at Columbus Circle. At bedtime there was a little flush of sunburn across the bridge of the nose, where the mask had rubbed at the sunscreen. 

EASY LISTENING DEP'T.

CLICK ON THIS box to enjoy today's Indignity Morning Podcast:

Indignity Morning Podcast No. 280: An active revolutionary.

NOW WITH TRANSCRIPT

INDIGNITYTom Scocca

SANDWICH RECIPES DEP’T.

WE PRESENT INSTRUCTIONS in aid of the assembly of a sandwich selected from Mrs. Ericsson Hammond's Salad Appetizer Cook Book, by Maria Matilda Ericsson Hammond. Published in 1924, and now in the Public Domain and available at archive.org for the delectation of all.

Sandwiches de Caviar a la Cokunita
For Six Persons

Six slices of bread, two tablespoons of butter, one glass of caviar, a cup and a half of whipped cream, five tablespoons of dissolved Cox’s gelatine, truffles for decoration, cayenne pepper and salt.

How to Make It. Put small individual moulds in the form of a leaf on chopped ice; glaze them with aspic and decorate along the mould a branch with fine cut strips of truffles; drip some aspic on the decoration before filling. Add two spoons of gelatine to half the amount of cream, color it with finely chopped parsley and line the moulds with the green cream. Add to the rest of the cream three tablespoons of the gelatine, pepper, salt, and two teaspoons of caviar. Leave on ice until ready to serve. Butter sliced bread, spread with caviar; dip the moulds in warm water, turn out on the sandwiches and trim the bread neatly all around. Arrange them on a platter in the form of a ring and garnish with parsley in center.

If you decide to prepare and attempt to enjoy a sandwich inspired by this offering, be sure to send a picture to indignity@indignity.net. 

MARKETING DEP'T. 

Supplies are really and truly running low of the second printing of 19 FOLK TALES, still available for gift-giving and personal perusal! Sit in the gathering heat with a breezy collection of stories, each of which is concise enough to read before the sun gets high.

HMM WEEKLY MINI-ZINE, Subject: GAME SHOW, Joe MacLeod’s account of his Total Experience of a Journey Into Television, expanded from the original published account found here at Hmm Daily. The special MINI ZINE features other viewpoints related to an appearance on, at, and inside the teevee game show Who Wants to Be A Millionaire, available for purchase at SHOPULA.

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Essays, inquiries, arguments, advice, and archaic sandwiches for hungry readers.