MR WRONG: Gone Maverick
Indignity Vol. 5, No. 41
COLUMN DEP’T.
MR WRONG: I Can Write This Column in My Sleep
CRAAAAAAAP! I JUST deleted the note I made in the Apple Notes thing, on my Apple phone that had notes, I typed into my phone last night as I was falling asleep, dammit, I had my column all set up and then all I woulda needed to do was fluff it a little, like 400–500 more words and I woulda had my column all typed up and ready to go, g_d fucking damn it to Hell and back, Inc.
I’m not kidding, I am really good at getting an idea for a column right before I fall asleep, when my mind is very relaxed and floppy, and then I get an idea and feel for my phone and type a buncha stuff that will totally make sense later. To me, at least! However, I don’t have the thing I just lost, which was about getting good ideas and then typing them in the dark, because I opened my Notes and did a command-X (cut) instead of a command-C (copy), and then I closed that file and opened another one, and then forgot I had the command-X in my hand, and I got distracted and went and looked at something else on the internet, and did a brand-new command-C on some other shit, and then did command-V (paste) of that shit, and then I realized I forgot to command-P my previous command-X. Command-F%#K!!! Lost forever.
I have heard people say that their middle-of-the-night ideas scribbled down on note paper always turn out to be worthless, but I am not talking about dreaming an idea or waking up in the middle of the night with an idea, I am telling you the sweet spot is right before you fall asleep, and you get the Idea, so then you gotta be just awake enough to get it down somehow, don’t think you’ll remember the idea the next morning, you won’t, it will have been erased by way more fun dreams and/or nightmares, and you will awaken a tabula rasa, ready to think up new Ideas maybe, but the one you had last night is gone.
Anyway, here’s an example of a thing I drowsy-typed into my Apple Notes on my phone a while back.
i dont rnrv iniw if this
i necer watched the ehome original too gun mivie but i rememver how i hear matthew midine whi did apocalypse now. sidnt wanna be the starvif too gun. and ai dunni if thats true but seeung ad how he was in aapocalypse now its kinda cool he didnt wanna be in jungoistic 80s top gunz but. i never watched the wholw nivuw
aut ws cothat atom cruise had a scene withsimrbidy who was shiwn to be way raller thsn tom cruise and you hotta r ex ect c atom cruise for doiung that scene
I gotta admit I can’t crack that first “sentence,” but I can easily parse the rest of my sleep-impaired typing. I don’t even remember if I thought this was enough to use to write something about the latest Top Gun movie, which supposedly saved Hollywood or something, OK, fine, but personally I didn’t enjoy that movie very much, no offense to Hollywood. The moment just kinda passed to write a review, and I just didn’t give enough of a shit about the movie, so much that even I didn’t care what I thought of it, and I’m my biggest fan!
Anyway, that slurred typing is an example of how it works. I went to that movie, and then went to get a meal afterward, at a very appropriate place to follow up a mediocre-ass Top Gun movie. It was a place near the movie theater called the Texas Roadhouse, blergh. In the middle of a parking lot next to another parking lot next to the strip mall where the movie theater was. Bleah!
I remember it was late, and there weren’t any other options, and we were super-hungry. I went with my brother and a friend, and my brother ordered the cheapest thing on the menu, and my friend and I both ordered things that were way more expensive, and guess who had the better dining experience? Hah! My brother was like “a place like this, go for the Lowest Common Denominator and your expectations will be appropriate, and you won’t be disappointed, and you won’t feel bad for spending too much”. Science! My pal and I were both totally disappointed by our steaks, for sure, but my brother’s cheapo $12 “ROAD KILL” was, according to the consumer, “not bad,” hiyo! Urfh!
So yeah, I went to the Top Gun movie, had a Top Gun meal, and then went home to sleep it off, and I was falling asleep and had some Ideas about a thing I could write about the movie and how I respect Tom Cruise for doing scenes with an actor who was way taller and so it looked like they didn’t put Tom Cruise on a stepladder or whatever to make him seem taller, ego-wise. Also I made an observation about how I never watched the whole original Top Gun movie and I thought it was jingoistic, the parts I saw, and then the new one, I woulda crapped on it, whatever, but it paid off! I finally got my review of the other Top Gun (and the Texas Roadhouse, blurf) down for the record, and for that I apologize. Thank you.
The MR. WRONG COLUMN is a general-interest column appearing weekly. No refunds. Write Wrong: wrongcolumn@gmail.com.
WEATHER REVIEWS
New York City, March 5, 2025
★★ The gray sky looked calm and the temperature was mild, but gusts shoved their way in the window. Sparrows raised and sustained a clatter to accompany the roar of the wind. Out on the street someone's coattails half a block away lifted and flapped, announcing the next onrushing gust. A hawk rode over Central Park West, steering sideways to hold its position. A white blob of sun appeared and disappeared as slightly darker parts of the gray blew over it. Leaves raced low and fast all across a wide span of lawn. Something off in a thicket had green leaves on it, and the tips of green shoots were poking up through the leaf litter. A splattering rain arrived in later afternoon, bringing with it a grim early sunset. Rain kept drumming down in the night.
EASY LISTENING DEP'T.
HERE IS TODAY'S Indignity Morning Podcast.
Tom Scocca
Click on this box to find the Indignity Morning Podcast archive.
TOM SCOCCA
ADVICE DEP'T.
GOT SOMETHING YOU need to justify to yourself, or to the world at large? Other columnists are here to judge you, but The Sophist is here to tell you why you’re right. Direct your questions to The Sophist, at indignity@indignity.net, and get the answers you want.
SANDWICH RECIPES DEP'T.
WE PRESENT INSTRUCTIONS in aid of the assembly of a sandwich selected from Cook Book of Practical and Tested Baking and Cooking Recipes, Prepared by The Ladies Aid of the Lutheran Hospital, Fort Wayne, Ind., published in 1927, and available at archive.org for the delectation of all.
BACON FILLING FOR SANDWICHES
Fry 1 pound of sliced bacon until crisp, put through a food chopper, add #4 can (small) of pimento pulp and enough mayonnaise dressing to suit the taste, then spread between slices of' bread. If bacon is ground while warm, it will grind better.
—Anna M. Holtman.
If you decide to prepare and attempt to enjoy a sandwich inspired by this offering, be sure to send a picture to indignity@indignity.net.
