MR WRONG: Frost bite
Indignity Vol. 5, No. 14
COLUMN DEP’T.
MR WRONG: Teeth, Chattering
THE MR. WRONG column typically emanates from Baltimore, Maryland, in the United States of America. Sometimes I type it, the column, when I am out of town, which is where I wish I was right now, someplace like Kauai, where it’s warm right now. I would be super-stoked to be filing my column from Kauai. Here in Baltimore it is 10 degrees of Fahrenheit this morning, and I am sitting here in my castle, with the heat turned up, long underpants under my overpants, and a t-shirt, and a sweater, and a hoodie over the sweater, and big warm socks and shoes and the super-warm hat I got from my Uncle Reg, who would go out on a ship in the Gulf of Saint Lawrence, where it gets really fucking cold, that’s how cold I am, I am wearing Uncle Reggie’s hat! I am layered up! Cold makes me sad, and it is already a sad time of year for me, because it is Winter in general, and I know that it’s getting to be one minute more of Daylight every day, as our Planet moves through the Solar System towards the part of its orbit that is warmer for us Northern Hemisphere types, but I still don’t like it, not enough goddamn daylight!
Anyway, it’s fair to say that I am in a Bad Mood. I’ll snap out of it, I always do, because I am an Optimist, but right now I am mad at the Weather, and to paraphrase the famous quote about the Weather, could you please fucking pick something more boring to talk about? Jesus H. Centigrade, seriously, move on.
I went to the dentist today, this morning, when it was nine degrees of cold outside, that’s how hard the Mr. Wrong column goes, see, that’s the “Grindset” mentality! Always Be Columning! “Grindset,” har! It’s called doing work, jeepers, people on the internet think they invented everything, “Grindset,” L-to-the-O-to-the-L, so many tough guys out there drinking smoothies. Except me! I invented the Mr. Wrong column! Nothing stops it!
I am back from the fuckin’ Dentist, where I hadda go get a crown fixed, which is to me a miracle of Medical Science, that you can have a rotten, traitorous tooth in your head, and the Dentist can fix it by drilling, baby, drilling, into a tainted molar, in order to assassinate the nerve inside, and then pack it with an organic yet inert substance, and put some space-age artificial tooth-material or even gold on top, and you are back in business! Masticating! Grinding up your sustenance, that’s my “Grindset,” ding-dongs, I Grindset my peanut butter and bagel, come at me, bro-y-smothington, I know all about Glycemic Index, all day, yo.
Where was I? Oh yeah, the Dentist, when I go for my bi-annual prophylaxis, I get the fluoride treatment for my teeth. Fluoride! People are once again losing their shit about fluoride in the drinking water! Back in the day, fluoride in drinking water was a Commie plot, har! Some shit to scare people with and get ’em to give you power, and follow you. My biggest problem with fluoride is spelling “fluoride.” I can never get that the “U” goes up front. I am pro fluoride, though, study your History! Didn’t y’alls ever see that Simpsons episode?
A guy I used to know who ran a natural food store, the kinda place where you get tempeh and bulgur in bulk and mostly a lotta foodstuffs that just kinda make me sad, like wheat germ, snore, anyway, he told me fluoride in toothpaste was basically like rat poison and he wouldn’t use it or let his children use it, and I thought about that and then went ahead and continued to use regular toothpaste, and I don’t know how to prove who won that contest, because I haven’t seen the guy in decades but I swear if I ever do I am gonna ask him about his dental health. OK, I dunno, I don’t think I would do that, it’d be kinda rude, and besides, I’ll be able to tell just by looking at him probably, in respect to the state of his grill. Speaking of which, and totally off-topic, people do this whole thing now with “fronts” over their teeth, have you seen this? How the hell do you eat a pastrami sandwich with stuff like that installed over your choppers? Do you take ‘em out if you wanna eat popcorn or whatever, an apple? They’re fun, though, in my opinion, like, to have a mouthful of gold or glittery diamonds in your face, I get it, I have a chunk of gold in my mouth, and I kinda wish I had one up front, where it could catch the sunlight, a whole long day's worth, someplace warm like Kauai, and I am 100 in favor of an individual’s personal expression, I think we need more of that in this country, especially in this Economy.
The MR. WRONG COLUMN is a general-interest column appearing weekly. No refunds. Write Wrong: wrongcolumn@gmail.com.
EASY LISTENING DEP'T.
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TOM SCOCCA
ADVICE DEP'T.
GOT SOMETHING YOU need to justify to yourself, or to the world at large? Other columnists are here to judge you, but The Sophist is here to tell you why you’re right. Direct your questions to The Sophist, at indignity@indignity.net, and get the answers you want.
SANDWICH RECIPES DEP'T.
WE PRESENT INSTRUCTIONS in aid of the assembly of sandwiches selected from A Calendar of Dinners, with 615 Recipes, by Marion Harris Neil, including The Story of Crisco, published in 1915 and available at archive.org for the delectation of all.
Sardine Sandwiches
2 tablespoonfuls melted Crisco
1 dozen sardines
1 tablespoonful whipped cream
1 tomato
Salt, pepper, and paprika to taste
Lettuce leaves
Slices of brown or white bread
Bone and skin the sardines, then rub through sieve, add cream, Crisco, pulp of tomato and seasonings and mix well. Spread mixture between slices of brown or white bread and butter, stamp out in rounds, in center of each round force a row of whipped cream seasoned with salt and red pepper, place small stamped out leaves of lettuce round the cream.
Sufficient for twelve sandwiches.
If you decide to prepare and attempt to enjoy a sandwich inspired by this offering, be sure to send a picture to indignity@indignity.net.
