MR WRONG: Fizzy math
Indignity Vol. 5, No. 65
COLUMN DEP’T.
MR WRONG: They Artificially Sweetened the Stock Market
MATH IS HARD for me, but I want to discuss this Economy we are in right now, it’s giving FOMO, by which I mean Fuckin’ zer-O Money, Ow! I am an Average American, but—or maybe “so"?—I totally have a Criminal Mind, I cannot help it, I’m just trying to figure out how to make a nickel and a dime on these Tariffs, you know? I want to Don’t Be Evil, but right now it’s like betting on the fucking weather, is that so terrible?
The thing from the President of the United States of America (POTUS) was something like “Blap blap blap blap CHINA TARIFF 125 PERCENT,” but I don’t understand it, so I typed “100 x 125 % =” into my calculator and it said that equals 125? Percent? Is that the same as 25%? See? I am not good at math, so let’s move away from the superfluous factual details, OK?
Anyway, I’m pissed because my Crime Instincts are totally on point! POTUS went “Blap blap blap TARIFF blap blap NOT TARIFF blap” and then all these people got in on it at the inflection point or whatever, they bought low and sold high! Fuckers! Seems like some of them got in on it almost maybe before it happened, though, eh? Hah?
There’s all kindsa charts and graphs out there now, and we got people squawking about it, so I am completely comfortable that Someone (NOT ME) will conduct a Thorough Investigation of all this and Justice Will Be Served, unless they (POTUS) already fired all the Investigators who might be Investigating.
Meanwhile, I’m just saying that it makes me really fucking mad when people can steal piles of money and it’s not me, you know? Is it bad to wanna have a few (kajillion) bucks rain down on me? I mean, it’s not exactly a victimless crime when you find a fiver on the sidewalk, right? Somebody out there is suffering while you take that fin home, right? If I achieve my Dream of hitting the Powerball Mega-lottery, am I supposed to feel bad about all those players out there holding their losing tickets?
So, like, some of the people who made all that dough yesterday, or the day before, I can’t tell, there’s all these days anymore, some of the people who Dumped after the Pump, or got on the other side of the Rug Pull, they mighta been non-inside information types, who hardcore watch the stock market go up and down and upanddownandupanddown and stuff, and they pay attention to Current Events, and monitor all of the communication channels, and heard POTUS say “blap blap RED LIGHT blap blap blap YELLOW LIGHT blap blap RED LIGHT blappa-blap GREEN LIGHT” and they hurled their liquid cash at it, or however it works, fuckers!
My Real World problem with these Tariffs is the Mexico part, because any increase in the cost of goods from there is def going to impinge upon the price of my supply of so-called Mexican Coca-Cola that I buy at Costco. I call it so-called Mexican Coca-Cola because I think the Coca-Cola company has rigged a two-tier market for their flagship product, which exists in variants, the most common being Coca-Cola “original formula” which is complete fiction, and yeah, yeah, it used to have the essence of the Coca Leaf in it, but now, legally, each bottle or can of that sticky bellywash is brimming with high-fructose corn syrup, bleah!
The finest of the Coca-Colas is made with sugar, not corn, and Coca-Cola figured out they can exploit people like me, connoisseurs, even, who can take the Pepsi challenge and accurately blind taste-test that shit, yes, the Elect, those with a thirst for the juice of the Cane!
The Coca-Cola company sells, in the Estados Unidos, varietal Coca-Cola made in Mexico, HECHO EN MEXICO, it reads on the four-packs I get at my local grocery, for around two bucks a bottle, so that’s like 16 cents an 12 ounce, maybe—you can check my math, we’ve been over this—while you can get the shitty America crap Coca-Cola, 12 ounces times 12 cans, typically priced as “buy one get two free,” for ten bucks! 12 oz. x 12 doses x 3 = 432 ounces of liquid trash! That’s like two cents an ounce? I’m not sure! More goddamn math! I am trying to enjoy life!
Look, errbody else can be mad about their 401(k) and all of the hundred kabillion other reasons, but I’m sticking to the one, POTUS is making me do Math, to see how bad I am getting robbed, and that, I do not endorse, and, also, the whole Coca-Cola thing, I want Justice! Thank you.
The MR. WRONG COLUMN is a general-interest column appearing weekly. No refunds. Write Wrong: wrongcolumn@gmail.com.
WEATHER REVIEWS
New York City, April 9, 2025
★★ Pale green reproductive parts of trees swayed against a vivid blue sky in the near-freezing air. The cold seeped through closed windows, and out on the balcony fingers went numb trying to untangle the wet roots of a pothos cutting brought home from school and guide them into a pot full of soil. Magnificent cherry blossoms spread out beside a charmless dark-red-brick apartment building. The lawn right below the the Park gate was getting richer in color and lumpier in texture, while down closer to the water, grass seed lay strewn on bare flattened soil. The reflection of the landscape in the Pool was chopped up and Impressionist. A search for any cloud at all in the sky found only the white of the rising gibbous moon. Robins stood in the hilltop grass like scattered persimmons. The temperature reached an agreeable or tolerable enough peak just before the sun was lost behind the buildings.
EASY LISTENING DEP'T.
HERE IS TODAY'S Indignity Morning Podcast!
Tom Scocca
CLICK ON THIS box to find the Indignity Morning Podcast archive.
TOM SCOCCA
ADVICE DEP'T.
GOT SOMETHING YOU need to justify to yourself, or to the world at large? Other columnists are here to judge you, but The Sophist is here to tell you why you’re right. Direct your questions to The Sophist, at indignity@indignity.net, and get the answers you want.
SANDWICH RECIPES DEP'T.
WE PRESENT INSTRUCTIONS in aid of the assembly of a sandwich selected from Prague Chapter Book Of Recipes, compiled by Marie Paidar and Blanche Kammerer, published in 1922, and available at archive.org for the delectation of all.
EGG SANDWICH — Four hard cooked eggs, salt and pepper to taste, one tablespoon chopped pimento, one tablespoon mayonnaise, slices of buttered bread. Chop finely the whites of hard boiled eggs; force the yolks through a potato ricer. Mix yolks and whites, season with salt and pepper, and moisten with mayonnaise. Spread mixture between thin slices of buttered bread. BERYL CISLER.
If you decide to prepare and attempt to enjoy a sandwich inspired by this offering, be sure to send a picture to indignity@indignity.net.
