MR WRONG: Fall back on the couch.
Indignity Vol. 4, No. 196
COLUMN DEP’T.
MR WRONG: Who Needs Daylight When the TV Is Glowing?
I GOTTA SAY, it has been almost a week since the Time Zone shifted to non-daylight Eastern Standard Time, and I find it to be most agreeable. I am waking up at the “old” time, I guess, and it’s totally an hour earlier than I used to wake up. It is my Natural Time Zone. NTZ!
That’s it, I am from now on operating on my own personal NTZ, no more listening to The Man tell me what time it is! It’s my time!
I will set an alarm if I have to be up for something important, but I always wake up before the alarm rings and then I look at the time and get mad at the clock for telling me I have another half hour, because I won’t fall back asleep in time! And then when I do, the fucking alarm will BZZ-ZZZT my ass, so I get up now when I wake up.
This of course has nothing to do with how it continues to get darker earlier! I am taking steps to resist the sad-making of less hours per day, daylight-wise. Ugh! All kindsa sad lately!
Do you watch Television? There’s a kabillion free streaming things that have a kabillion-plus shows, all free, as long as you have a bandwidth. Television can be excellent for maybe not completely making you happy, but at least pushing some stuff around in your brain-space if you are sad.
There is a channel of nothing but Saturday Night Live chunks. This particular lineup has it right near a lot of the Bad Stuff right now, so be careful with your remote!
With Television, you have to on-purpose select things to watch, you don’t do it like Social Media where you just sit there and roll and roll and roll down a timeline where you have no idea what you’re gonna see, which means you are stacking the odds that you’re gonna see some stuff that makes you sad! Or mad, even! Random! This Social Media shit is not entertainment! It serves you up a fun cat video, but then right on top of that there will be some dumbass saying sad-making things or somebody doing shit that makes you angry! On my teevee there are whole channels fulla programs of cat videos or dog videos, and you can stay right there until you pick up the remote and change it.
Consequently I’m watching Television, where you are in charge. You control the horizontal (maybe stretch out on the couch), you control the vertical (don’t have to scroll). You can pick all the things you want to watch ahead of time, and then click on the remote and sit there, no fucking Devices! Just snacks! Also, if you watch teevee as G-d intended, you are looking at a large screen several feet away from your eyeballs, and that’s good for you, as opposed to sitting there with your phone or laptop.
Also there are all these channels with music concerts, hundreds. It’s crazy, just hours and hours of music.
This is 100 not for me, but there are bucketloads of Xmas shows, har! Aiieee!!! This is a bunch on the Pluto app, which is free, but you pay by being exposed to commercials, which, in a very old-school tradition, you deal with by getting up to go make more snacks!
There’s also all kindsa old TV shows, which for me, are fun to watch to make fun of the clothes. Miami Vice is a classic. Dakota Johnson's dad is the star, and he was totally fashion-forward, wearing suits with t-shirts.
My sad-repelling plan is to watch teevee with all the lights on, which will make me feel like it’s more daylight, and I will be enjoying Television, which, personally, always makes me happy.
There are also all kindsa teevee shows in Español, and that’s a fun way to learn Spanish, eh? I think! I am going to Homeschool myself this way. I figure I might be able to make some decent progress, in like four years.
The MR. WRONG COLUMN is a general-interest column appearing weekly. No refunds. Write Wrong: wrongcolumn@gmail.com.
EASY LISTENING DEP'T.
HERE IS TODAY'S Indignity Morning Podcast.
Tom Scocca
Click on this box to find the Indignity Morning Podcast archive.
TOM SCOCCA
SANDWICH RECIPES DEP'T.
WE PRESENT INSTRUCTIONS in aid of the assembly of a sandwich selected from Bridal Chef, published by Brandt & Cordes in 1911, now in the Public Domain and available at archive.org for the delectation of all.
NEUFCHATEL SANDWICH
Mix thoroughly with 1 roll of neufchatel cheese 1/2 cup chopped nuts (black walnuts are best), add salt and paprika to taste and 2 tablespoons cream. Spread between buttered pieces of rye bread or Boston brown bread.
If you decide to prepare and attempt to enjoy a sandwich inspired by this offering, be sure to send a picture to indignity@indignity.net.
MARKETING DEP'T.
We are down to FIVE REMAINING COPIES of the second printing of 19 Folktales, still available for gift-giving and personal perusal! The daylight is vanishing and so are these stories!
