MR WRONG: Disturbance at the equator
Indignity Vol. 5, No. 60
COLUMN DEP’T.
MR WRONG: I Don't Fit My Belt
I KNOW WE all have a lot on our minds in this economy, and I’m not trying to diminish anybody’s suffering and worries, I want to say that I am sorry if you are having bad times right now, do whatever you can to get yourself in a good space, but—here comes the however—I gotta say, personally and however, in addition to all my regular problems and issues and worries, I have a serious problem with my belt settings, the holes, in my belt, that the part of the belt goes into to close the belt to hold up one’s pants, I don’t know what that part is called, the pin, the tine? I don’t know what it’s called, and I refuse to look it up, because that makes it more of a problem, I would be rewarding the situation with a precious portion of my limited amount of brain energy if I go and look it up and study the parts of a belt so that I can complain about my problem with more specificity, it just kinda makes me mad.
Specifically, I have been trying to lose a few lbs. Regular Gentle Readers of the Mr. Wrong column may remember that I have had various episodes of the Misery in my back, and a doctor told me it wouldn’t hurt for me to lose a few, that it would help relieve some of whatever messes up my lumbar region, spinal disc-wise.
I have been pretty successful in getting to a weight that has relieved a lot of the Misery, and I do physical therapy, and I try to exercise and stuff, but I’m not exactly where I think I should be, in terms of an ideal avoirdupois, OK?
Sometimes I go through a period of time where I am getting a lotta exercise, and drinking lotsa water, and not drinking any soda pop or beer, and not sitting around on the couch eating Cheez Doodles or whatever, not having pizza three times a week, not eating a bowl of sugary Raisin Bran Crunch cereal in milk for dessert at 11 p.m. at night right before going to bed, not buying any bags of goddamn fucking peanut M&M’s, they really are the best ones, they make all those other stupid M&M’s, peanut butter, whatever, but nothing gets near the peanut one, dammit, so good.
So look, my belt used to close properly at the Third Hole, and when I started to expand, circumferentially, I hadda move it to the Second Hole, or really holes, because my go-to belt, my daily driver, has a dual-hole setup, and so of course dual things-that-go-in-the-belt-hole as well.
When I was living my Second Hole Era, I was not happy, I was uncomfortable. None of my clothes fit right, I couldn’t tuck in my shirt, it was a house of cards. It really was a great relief for me to lose enough weight to get back to the Third Hole, and it’s not always healthy to keep score on stuff like this, because you can end up with an unproductive obsession, mentally, but for me, getting back to the Third Hole was a Personal achievement, and it made me feel good about myself, and I just really did feel better physically with my back and stuff.
All right, here’s the problem now. I am making good choices most of the time with my eating, I’m not eating a giant plate of spaghetti and meatballs, or more accurately, two and a half giant plates of spaghetti and meatballs, and I am walking a lot regularly, and even running a li’l bit sometimes, and I don’t have a box of ice cream sandwiches in the freezer, so I’m not eating an ice cream sandwich every day, and I’m eating more fruit, and thanks to my wife, I eat a salad every day before I eat dinner, which, I never used to eat salad before the entree, jeez, the salad was for afterwards, you know? I don’t know if that makes any sense scientifically, but it’s another thing I am not gonna look up
Anyway, what’s going on now is I am approaching moments of living in the Fourth Hole zone. If I wear the belt on the Third Hole, it’s just loose enough that my trousers don’t hang correctly, and I’m hitching up my pants all the time. If I put it in the Fourth Hole, sometimes it feels OK, but also sometimes it’s just a bit too tight, and I think “what are you doing? Nobody gives a shit what Belt Hole you’re on, just relax and live in Third Hole country, it’s fine, maybe you should think about buying a different belt, dumbass.” Anyway, that’s what I am spending my time thinking about instead of other stuff, and I don’t like suspenders because I always feel like I’m getting a wedgie. Thank you.
The MR. WRONG COLUMN is a general-interest column appearing weekly. No refunds. Write Wrong: wrongcolumn@gmail.com.
WEATHER REVIEWS
New York City, April 2, 2025
★★ The sun rose nice and early and the sky stayed bright and clear for a while, the light from the east setting the new growth on the branches out back aglow. Then it all sank into a gloom to match the chill that had been there all along. White cherry blossoms were out at the end of the block, and a blossom scent floated on the air nearby. The clouds developed wrinkles and smoothed out again. The air blowing up through the subway grate was markedly warmer than the breeze moving sideways along the street.
SIDE PIECES DEP'T.
YESTERDAY FOR FLAMING Hydra, Joe wrote about tiny pencils.
Joe MacLeod
The type of pencil I use the most these days is the tiny one, it doesn’t have an eraser, it doesn’t have a number, I’m talking about the ones they have in the little plastic trays with the Keno cards in bars, for gambling. You fill out how many Kenos you want to play, and if you’re superstitious, you select some numbers to bet on being drawn, otherwise you just tick off the “quick pick” box and acknowledge that you’re dealing with a randomly independent variable, or whatever it’s called in probability and statistics, I did not do well in that class, twice. I have a pretty good record with Keno, I think it’s the only form of wagering that I am ahead on, or at least breaking even, but that’s what people who have a problem with gambling say, because they only remember when they win? I swear, though, I can’t prove it, but I do pretty good at Keno. I don’t bet a lot, five, ten bucks, tops.
EASY LISTENING DEP'T.
HERE IS TODAY'S Indignity Morning Podcast!
Tom Scocca
CLICK ON THIS box to find the Indignity Morning Podcast archive.
TOM SCOCCA
ADVICE DEP'T.
GOT SOMETHING YOU need to justify to yourself, or to the world at large? Other columnists are here to judge you, but The Sophist is here to tell you why you’re right. Direct your questions to The Sophist, at indignity@indignity.net, and get the answers you want.
SANDWICH RECIPES DEP'T.
WE PRESENT INSTRUCTIONS in aid of the assembly of a sandwich selected from The All-American Cook Book: Being a Collection Chiefly of Recipes of the Favorite Dishes of Famous Americans, by Mrs. Gertrude Frelove Brebner, published in 1922, and available at archive.org for the delectation of all.
PICNIC SANDWICHES
Bake the bread in quart cans and press the chopped meat or chicken in cans of the same size. When both are cold put very thin slices of meat between two buttered slices of the bread. If your bread and meat are good, you will be proud of your sandwiches.
If you decide to prepare and attempt to enjoy a sandwich inspired by this offering, be sure to send a picture to indignity@indignity.net.
