MR WRONG: Chomp down on the New Year
Indignity Vol. 5, No. 1
COLUMN DEP’T.
MR WRONG: Be It Resolved
THIS IS THE first Mr. Wrong column of the year, and I gotta say, I think it's going pretty good!
The column, not the year, c’mon, we all know how the Year is going, shit seems pretty regular, in terms of horrible and depressing shit happening, it’s totally This Year, while we hear the fading echoes of the bleating of those still busy shitting on Last Year, on 2024, enough already, it’s over, OK? Let’s go!
Don’t beat yourself up over Last Year! What are you talking about, “Last Year?” Bah! There is only This Year! I don’t have a Last-Year-View Mirror on my Pontiac Vibe! I am a firm believer in This Year! Right now, it’s happening! Get with it! Get In On It!
I am also annoyed by the Beginning of the Year people, folks kinda wrapped up in their illusion of control over the world. “Here’s what I am going to do to make this year a better year (for me), I am going to LIST OF STUFF ALSO KNOWN AS RESOLUTIONS ETC., ZZZ-ZSNORE... Barf!
My Resolution, as always, I mean, like, seriously, since the Earth Cooled, and the Dinosaurs went away, and the first Mr. Wrong column complained its way out of the leftover ooze, my official This Year Resolution is to become a Perfect Being, in Harmony and Balance with All, Transcending Space and Time. See? I set the bar, and then I don’t get worked up when I limbo way under that shit, as opposed to high-jumping over it! Pace yourself!
I can technically claim and satisfy a mini-resolution, wherein Be It Resolved: I eat less cookies, and I will do that, as soon as all the cookies that found their way into my home during The Holidays are gone. By eating, that’s how they will become gone from my castle. I eat the cookies until they are gone, and then I am too lazy to go out and buy my own cookies. Totally Proactive, in terms of Resolutions! I’m almost there, I just ate five whole ginger cookies plus a buncha of broken pieces of said cookie, and some milk, because I cannot drydog cookies, and it’s too early for a beer.
I didn’t even bother to pace myself, Milk & Cookies-wise, and break it down into my normal portion of three cookies, because there were five cookies, and I am not going to create a broken cookie except by breaking it with my teeth in the process of consuming the whole cookie, so I ate five cookies. The broken cookies don’t count, everybody knows that.
Now I have half a bag of these killer Otterbein’s almost totally flat chocolate chip cookies left, which, if you never et an Otterbein’s, imagine a glob of butter, held together with sugar, and then fried flat with chocolate chips trapped inside. Again, I could totally eat a whole thing of them, but I been pacing myself. Discipline!
Alright, let’s review: it is the Year Of (Some Of Our) Lord Two Thousand Twenty-Fiver, Plus Tax. I am asking myself why I am so worried about writing “2024” on a check, when I write a check, which, why are there still checks? This is a 100 percent This Year problem! Checks?!? On a piece of paper, and then I make markings on it with a stylus full of ink? Why am I not completely on the Apple Pay and stuff? I have two fucking checks I have to write, This Year, for insurance and business crapola, which is insane, because it’s bad enough that I am trusted with my own Money, I also gotta handle my Business Money?!? Why can’t I PayPal-Venmo-CashApp this stupid insurance check? I’m never sure how to write the name of the Money along with the numbers of the amount! Like, OK, for example, the check I just wrote for $399.03, do you go:
Three-Hundred-Ninety-Nine Dollars and Three Cents,
Or do you go:
Three Hundred Ninety Nine Dollars and 03/100
Because on my checks, the line for The Name of The Money ends in DOLLARS, already printed on the check, on the line under the PAY TO THE ORDER OF. The “03/100” always makes me worried they’re not gonna understand the Fraction, like, aren’t Fractions in the category of Old Math or something? Should I do a Decimal, like “.03 Dollars?” I fucking hate math. Meanwhile, if I do the first one, the “and Three Cents,” it’s fucking awkward, “and Three Cents” Dollars? I am a Professional Writer, I can’t commit that kind of grammar or whatever it’s called! My hand is cramping from all this hand-writing on checks! Also, I think this is the year I finally forgot how to cursive my name.
The MR. WRONG COLUMN is a general-interest column appearing weekly. No refunds. Write Wrong: wrongcolumn@gmail.com.
WEATHER REVIEWS
New York City, January 1, 2025
★★★ The blue jays screamed in the morning so furiously the new year must have had a hawk in it. Soft smudges of cloud lay on the blue morning sky, but gray overtook the day while the lunch dishes were still on the table. Out back in the afternoon one of the jays perched calmly in the densely clustered branches, a patch of vivid blue near a clump of pale dead leaves. The cold was coming on but the air remained humid. The wind rose to a single brief shriek. As sunset arrived, the clouds pulled apart and crisscrossing pink appeared in the east. Peach and gray formations were moving fast in the sky opposite, and sun found the wooden water tower up the avenue. More wind was rising, whistling in the twilight.
EASY LISTENING DEP'T.
HERE IS TODAY'S Indignity Morning Podcast.
Tom Scocca
Click on this box to find the Indignity Morning Podcast archive.
TOM SCOCCA
ADVICE DEP'T.
GOT SOMETHING YOU need to justify to yourself, or to the world at large? Other columnists are here to judge you, but The Sophist is here to tell you why you’re right. Direct your questions to The Sophist, at indignity@indignity.net, and get the answers you want.
SANDWICH RECIPES DEP'T.
WE PRESENT INSTRUCTIONS in aid of the assembly of sandwiches selected from Institution Recipes For Use In Schools, Colleges, Hospitals And Other Institutions, by Emma Smedley, Director of Public School Luncheons, Philadelphia, Pa.; Formerly Instructor in Domestic Science, Drexel Institute, Philadelphia, Pa.; Instructor in Dietetics, The Johns Hopkins Hospital Training School for Nurses, Baltimore, Md, published in 1919 and available at archive.org for the delectation of all.
Ham Sandwiches
(50 Sandwiches)
2 1/2 pounds cold boiled ham
12 ounces butter
100 slices bread
Cut ham into thin slices and place between slices of buttered bread.
Calories in recipe 1,942 protein, 12,862 total
Calories in one sandwich: 39 protein, 257 total
If you decide to prepare and attempt to enjoy a sandwich inspired by this offering, be sure to send a picture to indignity@indignity.net.
