MR WRONG: Check, please!
Indignity Vol. 5, No. 33
COLUMN DEP’T.
MR WRONG: Looking for Mister Gold Bar
I HEARD THE news today, oh boy, that the President (or whoever is running the show now) maybe is perhaps gonna send Americans a Check because the new Initiative is going great and everything is gonna be great and it’s going so good that we’re all gonna get a check.
I guess the idea is if They send us a Check, it will prove that everything is going real good, but usually when we get a Check, it’s because everything is in the crapper, and we are getting a Stimulus, not so much for us personally, and anything we may have done, but just to poke us and get us to go out and poke the Economy, and also we will feel good about whoever gave us the Check, even though it’s not their money, I mean it’s the money of We The People, right?
Personally, I don’t think it’s going so great, and I think the whole Check news is probably bullshit, but I would absolutely like a Check. Who doesn’t want a Check? Look, I think if I told you I was gonna give you a Check, you would be happy. You might say something like “Well what do you want me to do for the Check,” and that’s a good question. I think the answer is “roll over,” har! Here doggie! Check! See? Looka the Check! Check Check!
I love Checks, though, I’m sorry. My Dream is to get a Check from the Lottery, but I have not been doing my due diligence, as they say in the world of Business, namely, I have not been buying any Lottery tickets, so how’m I gonna get a Check if I do not play? At least that Check I would earn, by playing the Lottery.
With this Check though, the one that They say they are going to maybe possibly send out unless they don’t but let’s see what happens if we say we will? Maybe? To get this latest Check, I don’t have to do anything except exist, and have my papers in order, right? Politics-wise, I am not a fan of the Administration, but I would take a Check.
I mean, I dunno how things are gonna work out with all this stuff, frankly, it doesn’t look good, you know? I’m no Expert on anything except having an Opinion, but I am Award-Winning Columnist! It’s important for me to weigh in on this, word-countwise, and I would like a check.
Like the gold bars in Fort Knox and stuff? What the hell is going on with this gold bars shit? Who cares about gold bars? Somehow they are supposed to be ballast or a lever or collateral or a downpayment for the weight of the Economy or something, the Dollar? I’m no Economist, but that’s not how it works anymore, and even when that was how it was supposed to work, it really didn’t work like that.
I don't understand, I don't—look—I don't have the brain for big deals—but this is a street thing. Nobody cares about a buncha gold in a fort! It’s all about Full Faith and Credit! That’s based on Good Will! Out on the streets of the World! The U.S. of A. is burning whatever Good Will it ever accumulated all over the planet right now, oy. Gold is an object, you know? Money is No Object, especially when it’s not yours! They are gonna give us what’s not Theirs!
I’ll take the Check, though, just saying. Also, I hope they go and look for the stupid gold, and it’s gone, seriously, it’s really just an Idea, you know? Like America!
The MR. WRONG COLUMN is a general-interest column appearing weekly. No refunds. Write Wrong: wrongcolumn@gmail.com.
WEATHER REVIEWS
New York City, February 19, 2025
★★ There were just enough clouds to bleach out the sky, though the daylight still achieved a golden tone. All the flannel shirts in the closet were dispiriting but short sleeves were not enough to keep the chill away. Outdoors, the cold was harsh and surly. Clumps of icicles clung to the rock face along the Park, teeth within teeth, tapering to sharp, crooked points or fusing in solid columns to the next sheet of ice below. The evening sky was the same intense deep blue as the first-edition cover of The Great Gatsby.
EASY LISTENING DEP'T.
HERE IS TODAY'S Indignity Morning Podcast.
Tom Scocca
Click on this box to find the Indignity Morning Podcast archive.
TOM SCOCCA
ADVICE DEP'T.
GOT SOMETHING YOU need to justify to yourself, or to the world at large? Other columnists are here to judge you, but The Sophist is here to tell you why you’re right. Direct your questions to The Sophist, at indignity@indignity.net, and get the answers you want.
SANDWICH RECIPES DEP'T.
WE PRESENT INSTRUCTIONS in aid of the assembly of a sandwich selected from A Thousand Ways to Please a Husband: with Bettina’s Best Recipes, by Louise Bennett Weaver and Helen Cowles LeCron, published in 1917, available at archive.org for the delectation of all.
Caviare Sandwiches
Take two tablespoonfuls of caviare, place it in a basin, mix it with some finely chopped shallot, the juice of half a lemon, and a pinch of cayenne pepper; stir these thoroughly together. Butter some thin slices of brown bread, spread with the above mixture, pressing them together sandwich-fashion; cut them into three-cornered pieces and serve as a hors-d’oeuvre.
If you decide to prepare and attempt to enjoy a sandwich inspired by this offering, be sure to send a picture to indignity@indignity.net.
