MR WRONG: Burned by the hotspot.
Indignity Vol. 4, No. 107
COLUMN DEP’T.
MR WRONG: This Column Is On Vacation!
THIS WEEK IS one of my favorite episodes of the Mr. Wrong column, on account of I am on Vacation, but the First Rule of the Mr. Wrong column is: Always Be Columning!
So, unlike some of these so-called big-deal columnists out there, I don’t skip a column just because I am on Vacation, I column about my Vacation! Always Be Columning! Right now I am in one of my Undisclosed Locations in the Adirondacks, enjoying fun and sun and grilling meats on the grill and drinking beer by the can. “Grab Life By The Can,” has got to already be a slogan for a beer company, but if it isn’t, I officially Trademark™ and Copyright© that shit. It doesn’t even have to be about beer, even, it could be soda pop, or canned coffee, even. Or water, right, don’t they have canned water? They should, though, because of the Microplastics, right? Plastic is bad, wow. Anyway!
I can’t be bothered to look on the Internet to see if GRAB LIFE BY THE CAN™ is already a thing, because since I am in the naturally Primitive and Rustic Adirondacks, there is no Wi-Fi machine to serve me a bandwidth, so I have to do what is called “Personal Hotspot,” which is a good name because it makes my phone heat up like a goddamn toaster oven as it allows me to use my laptop computer to type my column and deliver it to the Editor of Indignity, early, even, since I am Vacationeering and I want to enjoy the daylight hours on the river, paddling my inflatable kayak and starting at mountains and rocks and stuff, which is very relaxing and healthful, mentally.
I find I have a lot less to complain about when I am looking at rippling water reflecting a blue sky and pine trees and stuff of that nature (nature stuff), but since I am typing this on my computer that I pay money so it can slurp Internet off my phone to enable me to perform my duties at Indignity proper, serving up the daily podcast and post, I am gonna complain about this racket of never getting enough of the Gigabytes on my phone to give to my computer. It’s limited, the good bandwidths or whatever, so I have to be hypervigilant about how much Hotspot I am hotting, or spotting, and turn it on and off to conserve the bandwidths, and if I go over, it’s like, stifled or muffled or something so that it’s a trickle, like the water pressure in the shower here at my Rustic Adirondacks cabin, jeez, it’s like having water poured through a straw onto my head while I’m in there trying to clean Nature off of myself from the river.
So they got me, the phone company, that I won’t name, but its initials are T-Mobile. I had to change my plan and pay 15 more dollars so I could get a strong steady stream of the good Data or whatever, which somehow is different from my phone even though it goes through my fucking phone?
What a fuckin’ racket! And I know about working “offline,” don’t tell me about that, helper, I do “offline” all the time, I still need the bandwidths! Plus, it was yesterday, at the end of my “billing cycle,” which isn’t on any sort of logical calendar, like the end of the month or something, so they got to bang me for the whole 15 for two days, and now it’s a new billing cycle, so they got me again, fuckers, but look, this is what I do for you, the Gentle Reader, so if you are not a Paid Subscriber to Indignity, I kinda put you in the same category as T-Mobile, you’re not helping me with the bandwidth to deliver the Mr. Wrong column, and if you don’t like the Mr. Wrong column then you aren’t reading this, so you can go soak your head in a river and try and get it cleaned off in a shower with prostate issues, and if you do enjoy the Mr. Wrong column, plus the other 90 percent of Indignity, you should become a Paid Supporter.
Also, getting back to the water thing for a minute, in the Adirondacks, We Don’t Flush For Number One. Thank you and I hope I enjoy my Vacation.
The MR. WRONG COLUMN is a general-interest column appearing weekly. No refunds. Write Wrong: wrongcolumn@gmail.com.
WEATHER REVIEWS
New York City, June 26, 2024
★★★★ A firefly was crawling on the stoop beside the morning newspaper. The respite from the humidity had gone the way of the respite from the heat. Even with the lightest t-shirt laid out, it took a long while to put it on. For the cat's sake, it was time to close the windows and turn on the living room air conditioner before leaving. In the Park, people were few and mostly unmoving, One lone sunbather lay on the slope down from the gates, shoulder straps down, straw bag alongside. Gray bubbly scum had joined the duckweed on the surface of the Pool. A shirtless man played with a dog by the edge of the North Meadow. Ten or so starlings stalked the grass in the shade. Three people, seemingly in two separate groups, sat on a bench in the shade looking out at a vacant ballfield. A sprinkler chattered as it threw water onto a patch of plants grown head-high. Sweat trickled down the upper lip. In the afternoon, a group of kids came down Fifth Avenue, firing squirt guns at one another and hollering. Heat radiated up off the pavement and down from the sky. More people had ventured out onto the lawns and benches. The cold front arrived after sundown, with thunder that rattled the building. Lightning came every second or two—mostly as shapeless flashes on the gray, but now and then a naked jagged bolt.
EASY LISTENING DEP'T.
CLICK ON THIS box to find TODAY'S Indignity Morning Podcast!
SANDWICH RECIPES DEP'T.
WE PRESENT INSTRUCTIONS in aid of the assembly of a sandwich—serve before the soup—selected from Mrs. Ericsson Hammond's Salad Appetizer Cook Book, by Maria Matilda Ericsson Hammond. Published in 1924, and now in the Public Domain and available at archive.org for the delectation of all.
Anchovy Sandwich a la Hjumbo
Anchois Sandwich a la Hjumbo
Two eggs, two teaspoonfuls of anchovy paste, eight slices of bread, two tablespoonfuls of butter, one pimento, two tablespoon¬ fuls of chopped parsley, pepper, salt, truffles, and one tablespoonful of whipped cream.
How to Make It. Hard boil the eggs, time twelve minutes; peel and put in cold water until cold; cut in quarters lengthwise; 'remove the yolks and fill the quarters of eggs by putting the filling in a paper bag that holds a fancy tube, and decorate them with truffles according to taste. Slice the bread, cut it out with a round patty cutter; spread it with butter and anchovy paste mixed; dip them in finely chopped parsley and decorate a border around each sandwich with butter that has been stirred to a cream. Put on each of the sandwiches one quarter of the egg; arrange them in the form of a ring on a platter and garnish with parsley in the center. Serve before the soup.
Filling for the Eggs. Press the yolks through a fine strainer with one half pimento; add one teaspoon of anchovy paste; mix this with two tablespoons of butter that has been stirred to a cream; add pepper and salt to taste.
If you decide to prepare and attempt to enjoy a sandwich inspired by this offering, be sure to send a picture to indignity@indignity.net.
MARKETING DEP'T.
Supplies are really and truly running low of the second printing of 19 FOLK TALES, still available for gift-giving and personal perusal! Sit in the gathering heat with a breezy collection of stories, each of which is concise enough to read before the thunderstorms start.
HMM WEEKLY MINI-ZINE, Subject: GAME SHOW, Joe MacLeod’s account of his Total Experience of a Journey Into Television, expanded from the original published account found here at Hmm Daily. The special MINI ZINE features other viewpoints related to an appearance on, at, and inside the teevee game show Who Wants to Be A Millionaire, available for purchase at SHOPULA.
