Magic: The Gathering: the Heist

LOST & FOUND DEP'T.

Recently Missing in America

MORE THAN A dozen boxes of Magic: The Gathering cards valued at $300,000 (from the Indiana Convention Center in Indianapolis, during preparations for the GenCon gaming convention)

A black Electra three-speed bicycle valued at $1,300 (from a garage in San Diego, after a surveillance camera recorded the person taking the bike pausing to pet and talk to the household's golden retriever)

Comic books valued at more than $14,000 (from a display case in comic book store in Boulder, Colorado, after someone smashed the store's glass front door)

Multiple bank deposits (from Wells Fargo customers' bank accounts, due to what the bank called "a technical issue")

A three-month-old kitten named Grayling (from an animal-rescue group's cat-adoption section in a pet store in Eugene, Oregon)

A blue 1958 Chevrolet Apache pickup truck with a window decal reading "...ALL GAVE SOME / SOME GAVE ALL..." (from outside a home on Nashville Highway north of Chapel Hill, Tennessee)

Eleven purses valued at $11,000 (from a display case in a Dillard's in Lincoln, Nebraska, after a clerk unlocked the case for people posing as customers)

An estimated 100 golf clubs, valued at $30,000 (from the clubhouse of the Links Golf Course in Post Falls, Idaho)

Recently Found in America

A KEYBOARD (IN a vehicle belonging to an accused serial musical-instrument thief, on I-85 in Rowan County, North Carolina, and described by sheriff's deputies as matching an instrument reported stolen from Cornerstone Church in Salisbury, North Carolina)

An orange Fuji Sportif bicycle (in Berkeley, California, five years after it was stolen from bike storage at an apartment in San Francisco, thanks to a used-bicycle buyer checking it against an online stolen-bike registry)

Forty-eight pallets of Sherwin-Williams paint, valued at an estimated $229,000 (in a warehouse in Stockton, California, where the California Highway Patrol said it had traced paint stolen from Nevada)

A television, a computer, and a bag of money (in a truck outside the Emerald Beach Church of God in Panama City Beach, Florida, after the driver of the truck allegedly smashed a window of the church with a cinderblock, immersed himself in its baptismal pool, and then carried off the items)

More than 20 electric scooters (wholly or partly submerged in the Arkansas River in Wichita, Kansas)

A two-month old puppy named Cleopatra (at the front door of the house it had been stolen from in Wichita, Kansas, where it was brought by two people who recognized it from news coverage)

Watermelon rinds, with the watermelon flesh eaten out of them (in a 90-year-old watermelon vendor's truck in Wichita, Kansas, after the melons were stolen during his lunch break)

Eighteen goats, seven sheep and multiple chickens (in an air-conditioned van in Miami-Dade County, Florida, after being reported stolen from a farm in the county)

WEATHER REVIEWS

New York City, August 8, 2023

★★ The morning was damp and cool, but more damp than cool. The melon, fresh from the refrigerated delivery truck, was wet to the touch; the plastic boxes of other fruit were fogged up; the label on a can of beans had softened. Condensation gathered on the whole-milk carton already inside the fridge, in the short time the door was open. A brief and faint drizzle squeezed out of the overloaded air when it was time to take the trash out. Gradually the overpowering humidity ebbed, and occasionally some sun appeared. The overall effect remained grim. A withered, formerly white flower lay stuck to the balcony rail, in the dried puddle of whatever the rain had leached from it. A new purple blossom, petals still upright and quivering a little in the breeze, had fallen from the balcony above to join it.

EASY LISTENING DEP’T.

INDIGNITY MORNING PODCAST

Indignity Morning Podcast No. 125: Voters seem to really, really not like this stuff.

Tom Scocca • Aug 9, 2023

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SANDWICH RECIPES DEP’T.

WE PRESENT INSTRUCTIONS for the assembly of select sandwiches from "Dame Curtsey's" Book of Recipes, by Ellye Howell Glover, Author of “Dame Curtsey’s” Book of Novel Entertainments, etc. Published in 1909, this book is in the Public Domain and available at archive.org for the delectation of all.

Sweet Sandwiches
QUINCE jelly makes a delicious filling for buttered white bread or zephyrettes if sprinkled with chopped English walnut meats. Any kind of jelly or marmalade may be used with either walnut or pecan meats. Nut bread used with a filling of orange or grape fruit marmalade, or any of the “conserves”’ such as strawberry-pineapple or raspberry-currant, will be found delicious.
A layer of minced pecan nuts, mixed with creamed butter and spread on white bread, then a layer of sliced marshmallows and a few cut candied or maraschino cherries, makes a fine sandwich.

Fig Sandwiches
REMOVE stems, and chop figs fine; add a small quantity of water; cook in double boiler until a paste is formed, then add a few drops of lemon juice. Cool mixture, and spread on thin slices of buttered bread; sprinkle with finely chopped peanuts, and cover with pieces of buttered bread.

If you decide to prepare and attempt to enjoy a sandwich inspired by this offering, kindly send a picture to us at indignity@indignity.net.

MARKETING DEP'T.

19 FOLKTALES collects a series of timeless tales of canny animals, foolish people, monsters, magic, ambition, adventure, glory, failure, inexorable death, and ripe fruits and vegetables. Written by Tom Scocca and richly illustrated by Jim Cooke, these fables stand at the crossroads of wisdom and absurdity.

HMM WEEKLY MINI-ZINE, Subject: GAME SHOW, Joe MacLeod’s account of his Total Experience of a Journey Into Television, expanded from the original published account found here at Hmm Daily. The special MINI ZINE features other viewpoints related to an appearance on, at, and inside the teevee game show Who Wants to Be A Millionaire. Your $20 plus shipping and tax helps fund The Brick House collective, a Publishing Concern featuring a globally diverse set of publishers doing their own thing, with interesting items and publications available for purchase at SHOPULA.

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