INDIGNITY VOL. 3, NO 59: Debtors prison.
COLUMN DEP'T.
MR WRONG: Home A Loan
I AM A Homeowner, which is supposed to be a good thing. I mean, I don’t think having a house is any kinda Investment, it’s more like a Defensive move, just a way to make sure I don’t get evicted from an apartment, you know?
Also my home is a Row House, which means it is sort of a stall in a big brick row of similar dwellings. I have four walls, but since my joint isn’t on either end of the Row, only two of the sides of my rectangle are fenestrated by windows, so a lot of people would look at what I call my house and say it’s an apartment, the way I look at a duplex and get sniffy at how it’s two conjoined houses. I would never want a duplex, you know? You’re so close to having your own box! Before they put you in a Box, you should live in your own Box, eh? Ack!
In general, though, I don’t like having neighbors. These are people you gotta see all the time, when you do the entering and egressing related to your box, and just because they have a box next to my box, now I gotta be civilized with people on either side of my box, and if there’s any matter of a neighborly dispute, you are living right next to the fucking Problem!
Usually it’s dog crap. The row houses in my neighborhood have teensy little laws, and it has been my experience that a dog owner who is in the position of also owning a lawn might let the dang dog go out in the yard on its own to take care of business, and unless it is a highly trained animal, the doo-doo doesn’t get immediately put in a plastic bag like it would if that same canine companion had to poop it up out on the street as G_d intended. It’s basically why I haz cat. Sometimes the yard that the dog shits in becomes a vast rugged wasteland of dog turds, and try living next door to that and sitting out on your porch on a 90-degree day. I been there, it’s exactly what you think it is, but it’s a delicate situation to tell your neighbor that there’s shit all over their lawn and it fucking stinks, because then you have to see that person every day, and you’re both thinking about dog shit, and you develop enmity, you know?
Meanwhile, back to me and my American Dream of Home Ownership! Because I have paid kazillions of money into a mortgage for years and years and years, I have lotsa “equity,” which is supposed to be another good thing, fiscally, but I think it’s bullshit, c’mon, it’s a racket, all they do, these Financial Establishments, with the banks and the credit cards and my mortgage and the loans and stuff, is tell me how great it is that I have all this Equity, because that means I can use it to borrow more money, like all the money I borrowed to pay for my house. What the fuck? That’s my reward for for humpin’ my way through a mortgage for however fucking long I been at it? The Pot of Gold at the end of my grubby old interest/principal/escrow/taxes/insurance rainbow is some fuckin’ leprechaun sitting in a cubicle telling me how much more dough I can borrow?
I look at my mortgage every once in a while and do the Amortization Calculator, which I don’t understand, but basically if I can pay back the dough I borrowed for the house faster, I don’t get charged as much Interest, and I end the loan quicker. But then what? Then I really own the house? And? I mean, now I have all this extra cash I’d be spending on a mortgage, plus I have all that Equity that I generated? It is a deeply metaphysical question, I believe, but it tends to be answered with “use all that Financial Leverage to buy a nicer house,” ugh!
So owning a home is bullshit, except maybe for being able to deduct the interest you pay on your mortgage from your taxes, which I really don’t understand, but I’m paying taxes on my house in the City of Baltimore in the State of Maryland, and I get to minus it from my Income Tax, and it seems like stealing, so I approve.
I’m not even gonna get into Ground Rent, because I am [sure] that I have [complained] or at least [mentioned] it in passing previously, so you can go look at that on your own because it makes really makes my fucking head hurt. Ground Rent, for fuck’s sake.
Anyway, and again, owning is bullshit, and renting is even more so, because you could live someplace for decades, paying your rent on time, and you don’t even get the stupid Equity! You basically pay somebody else’s mortgage, at least in part, and they get to make a Profit off you, and you get zero credit for being a good Fiscal Citizen! I know I’ve already crapped all over the illusion of Equity, and this can’t be an original Idea, but there should be some sort of accounting for paying one’s rent, equity-wise. I mean, I can’t even do math very well, but I know this has gotta be some sort of Stealing, somehow? If you are a Renter, contact your Government Representative and tell them your Landlord is a crook or something. Thank you.
The MR. WRONG COLUMN is a general-interest column appearing weekly wherever it can appear. No refunds. Write Wrong: wrongcolumn@gmail.com
WEATHER REVIEWS
New York City, April 19, 2023
★★★ The pink clouds in the east shone so brightly in the too-early sky as to be almost metallic. Full daylight arrived under unexpectedly solid clouds; as the clock moved toward 11, the temperature stayed below 50 and the clouds kept holding on. Even after the sun broke through, the chill remained, making the idea of going outside seem discouraging. Warmth stayed stubbornly just out of reach in the full light of afternoon. Wind tugged at the rainbow umbrella on the icee cart at the corner by the school. Still, there was a ball in play, or more than one, at every hoop in sight in upper Morningside Park. Workers laid cobblestones by the southernmost basketball court, still off limits to the public. The great egret flapped its huge wings low over the pond, hanging nearly in place before slowly coming to a landing.
EASY LISTENING DEP’T.
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SANDWICH RECIPES DEP’T.
WE PRESENT INSTRUCTIONS for the assembly of select sandwiches from Brewster Book of Recipes, by the Woman’s Association of Brewster Congregational Church and their friends, published in 1921, found in the public domain and available at archive.org for the delectation of all.
HOT SANDWICHES
TEA SANDWICHES.
Spread thin slices of brown bread with butter, then with cottage cheese, mixed with chopped nuts.
—Mrs. Jerome K. Stock.
TOMATO SANDWICHES.
Toast bread, put slices of tomato, slightly salted, between, and bacon, fried crisp, on top.
Brown bread with cucumbers sliced, salt, mayonnaise, if desired.
Brown bread spread with cream cheese. Add either plain or stuffed olives, chopped.
Butter thin slices brown bread, sprinkle with celery salt. Chop English walnuts and celery in equal parts, very fine. Mix with enough mayonnaise to spread easily.
FRUIT SANDWICHES
DATE SANDWICHES.
Chop dates and preserved ginger; moisten with lemon juice and cream. English walnuts or pecans may be added.
Another method—Spread cream cheese on buttered bread; next a layer of chopped dates; sprinkle with chopped peanuts.
RAISIN SANDWICHES.
One and one-half cup raisins; 3/4 cup English walnuts. Put through chopper. Butter bread generously before putting in filling.
If you decide to prepare and attempt to enjoy a sandwich inspired by this offering, kindly send a picture to us at indignity@indignity.net.
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