INDIGNITY VOL. 3, NO 54: First-level franchise.

Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves

Directed by John Francis Daley and Jonathan Goldstein

I CAN’T BELIEVE they made a movie about the Nike sneaker company making a sneaker, for fucks sake. When I saw the trailer for that Nike movie I thought it was a joke, a fake trailer! I told the Editor of Indignity that I would go see the less-new Dungeons & Dragons movie again before I went to see a movie about a rich sneaker company signing an athlete to a lucrative sneaker contract, to which the Editor of Indignity replied “You saw it once?”

To which I now retort, yeah, I saw it once, at a movie theater and everything, and it wasn’t bad! It wasn’t great, but it was OK, you know? Do all movies have to be great? Anyway, so now, on account of I told my Feelings about a movie to the Editor of Inginity, I have to provide a Review for Indignity. Content!

This movie is about a burglar in days of old, or wherever Dungeons & Dragons happens. I have zero experience with the game of D&D, but I now know that the “Intellectual Property” of the game is now owned by Hasbro, a toy company, which I looked up on Wikipedia:

Hasbro, Inc. (/ˈhæzbroʊ/; a syllabic abbreviation of its original name, Hassenfeld Brothers) is an American multinational conglomerate holding company incorporated and headquartered in Pawtucket, Rhode Island.[5] Hasbro owns the trademarks and products of Kenner, Milton Bradley, Parker Brothers, and Wizards of the Coast, among others. As of August 2020 over 81.5% of its shares were held by large financial institutions.[6]

Among its products are Transformers, G.I. Joe, Power Rangers, Rom the Space Knight, Micronauts, M.A.S.K., Monopoly, Furby, Nerf, Play-Doh, Twister, and My Little Pony, and with the Entertainment One acquisition in 2019, franchises like Peppa Pig and PJ Masks. The Hasbro brand also spawned TV shows to promote its products, such as Family Game Night on the Discovery Family network.

I kinda tricked myself a little, being mad about the movie about a rich sneaker company, because here I am now talking about a movie about a game that I thought was invented by some hippies, but it’s owned by a rich game company, d’oh!

Anyway, I enjoyed this Dungeons & Dragons film, which has a COLON (:) in the title to sort of let you know that DUNGEONS & DRAGONS is a Franchise/Property kinda thing that makes Martin Scorsese roll their eyes and they’ll make ten more of these suckers if the first one does well at the Box Office or the Stream Office, cashwise. It’s two hours and 14 minutes long, which is almost short these days, and I’ll tell you right now, as sort of a SPOILER ALERT, there is a big celebrity-cameo scene—I won’t tell you who, you can Google that shit—and they shoulda cut it and made this flick shorter, because the cameo is not good, and the Special Effects for this part of the movie are terrible, I mean, I felt bad for the movie, watching this part of the movie, really embarrassing, the scene is totally grafted in and I don’t know, did they run out of money or something? That part is bad, but then it’s over and it ends up being a fun caper, and they have to get a crew together for a big heist.

I love movies where they have to get a crew together! I know, it’s terrible! It’s been done a million times! But I love movies about Stealing, and like, for children, this is PG-13, so you can bring the bigger kids, forget about the Stealing part for a sec, it’s all about Teamwork and getting along with people and Elves and Shapeshifters, and I don’t want to get too far into the positivity aspect of this movie, but it’s Good vs. Evil, and a righteous Quest, which I am assuming fits the D&D part of the movie for Hasbro, it’s fun, right? I mean people play D&D for fun, and this is fun, some good-natured entertainment.

There’s this thief, Edgin, portrayed by Chris Pine, who I remember from some Star Trek movies and Wonder Woman movies, because those are the kind of movies I go to. He might be in some classier stuff as well. Oh, I just remembered, for real, he was in Don’t Worry Darling, woof, I watched that at home, what a mess. I would have been really mad if I saw that in a theater, but maybe not, because my wife and I talked about that movie for a long time after, about how fucked up it was, so that mighta made for a solid moviegoing Experience, going with a few people and then getting together after to talk about how messed up it was.

Anyway, Chris Pine is good in this D&D tale because they always seem to be somebody who doesn’t take themself too seriously, and their vibe fits the tone of this adventure, which has some great chases and action sequences, and a Crew, with Michelle Rodriguez from the fast-car franchise, and a nice bunch of other actors who are all probably English, and Hugh Grant is in it and he didn’t have to be, you can always smell an actor who’s showing up for a paycheck, and he gets the job done, but they shoulda gave the part to somebody with more personality, Hugh Grant was a little too relaxed for me.

Also, this is good, there are only a coupla Dungeons and not a whole lot of Dragons, which for me was good, because I watched Game of Thrones and the other thing with Dragons and I’m kinda sick of Dragons a little bit. Enough with the Dragons!

THE WEATHER REVIEWS and INDIGNITY MORNING PODCAST are on vacation, where the skies are really incredible. Just look!

Also there was a moment when the clouds were making a fake mountain on top of a real mountain.

SANDWICH RECIPES DEP’T.

WE PRESENT INSTRUCTIONS for the assembly of select sandwiches from Brewster Book of Recipes, by the Woman’s Association of Brewster Congregational Church and their friends, published in 1921, found in the public domain and available at archive.org for the delectation of all.

HAM SANDWICH FILLINGS.

Chop ham very fine and mix with mayonnaise.
Chop ham and 2 small pickles very fine; mix with mayonnaise.
Ham mixed with German mustard and cream is a change.
Hard boiled eggs, chopped, may be added to ham.
Horseradish mixed with ham is tasty.
Cut bread with round cutter; use ham filling. Cut circular pieces out of center of top of sandwich and insert half a stuffed olive.

LINCOLN SANDWICHES.

Cut brown and white bread in thin slices; spread with butter; arrange tongue over white bread; add mayonnaise. Spread brown bread with any soft cheese. Put together.

LOBSTER SANDWICHES A LA BOULEVARD.

One cup lobster, chopped, yolks of 5 hard boiled eggs, grated. Moisten with melted butter; season with prepared mustard, salt and vinegar.

If you decide to prepare and attempt to enjoy a sandwich inspired by this offering, kindly send a picture to us at indignity@indignity.net.

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