INDIGNITY VOL. 3, NO. 48: NEWS FLASH.
COLUMN DEP'T.
MR WRONG: Book ‘em, Briscoe!
I HAD A whole other thing I was going to write about for this week’s column but then a President of the United States (POTUS) got indicted for Crime, so like, “stop the presses,” which used to mean something, but anyway, more accurately, the most recently Former President of the United States (FPOTUS) got indicted, and so the thing I was gonna make my column will have to wait until next week, because I gotta go with the BREAKING NEWS. Journalism! Har!
All seriousness aside, one of the ways I trick my tiny but active Brain into Learning Things is by forcing myself to look up stuff on the Internet when they are going to be items in the Mr. Wrong Column. In this case, it is the word “indicted,” which is a super-annoying word if it happens to you, but also, why is that “c” in there? Jesus Christ, can we have some Spelling Reform in this country for American English? Anyway, it’s all about INDICTED, and Google teaches us that its origin is Middle English, and look at how the Middish useta spell it!
endite, indite, from Anglo-Norman French enditer, based on Latin indicere ‘proclaim, appoint’, from in- ‘towards’ + dicere ‘pronounce, utter’.
Where the hell did the goddamn “c” come from? I don’t even care! Get it out! Don’t confuse me with more Facts! If they’re gonna have a thing, of laws or whatever, about Daylight Saving Time—or Daylight Savings Time, I can never fucking remember—then I urge you to DM your congressional congressperson to expunge the “c” from INDICT!
Also, though, what the hell does “indictment” even really mean? I have watched a boatload of Law & Order, and they’re always talking about a Grand Jury indictment, and then they arrest the Special Guest Star, and then it’s time for the Order part of Law & Order! So you get indicted for a crime, which means you get CHARGED, why can’t they just fucking say that? Isn’t “accused” good? J’accuse! What is so special about getting indicted insteada charged, is it better for the District Attorney to say they indicted the FPOTUS as opposed to just arresting the motherfucker?
I know that ordinary people get put on Grand Juries, and they “hand down” an indictment or something, another thing that makes no sense to me, are the people who “hand down” the thing on a goddamn podium? What’s with the handing, and downward? Isn’t it just stuff on a computer now?
Sigh. Look, in the ten minutes it took me to write my column about BREAKING NEWS, I am totally checked out of this News Event, seriously, I don’t give two runny sideways shits, I’m done. Now I can’t even look at Twitter for fun for the next week or so, because errbody gonna be barfing up the same info, and then the Experts will make tweets, and there will be “what about this” and “what about that,” and NO YOU BE QUIET, and people will say it’s the end of—ZZZ-ZZ-ZZzzz...
OK, one more thing, though, because I gotta get the word-count up: So the FPOTUS is indicted and they gotta get Lenny and Green or whoever from whatever season we’re on to bring in the FPOTUS for booking. So now what, do all the Secret Service agents the FPOTUS retains go down to the Precinct House or something and stand around looking for snipers while the erstwhile Commander-in-Chief poses for a mugshot? How does this work with the Secret Service’s guns and the cops’ guns and everybody has guns? Who are the “good guys with guns”? In this case, aren’t they all Presumed to be good until convicted in a Court of Law? What if one of ’em is, you know, a Bad Lieutenant, if you will, what the fuck then? I think I coulda been a lawyer.
Anyway, this has been Breaking News, and I apologize. No “zinger,” like on Law & Order when they would slap the cuffs on the alleged perpetrator, and then Lenny would say some shit like “No ‘mulligan’ on this one, I guess, eh, FPOTUS?”
The MR. WRONG COLUMN is a general-interest column appearing weekly wherever it can appear. No refunds. Write Wrong: wrongcolumn@gmail.com
WEATHER REVIEW
New York City, March 29, 2023
★★★★ The sun raised a pink glow from the out-of-date rusty-coral paint on the back of the building and sent it in through the windows. It was time to put on sunscreen in earnest, even while worrying about which jacket would be warm enough and planning to bring in the plant from the balcony before night. The blossoming pear trees arched out over 105th Street. Completely repainted ironwork was peeling again. A man waiting in line for pizza pointed out to an e-bike courier that the strap for the quarter-wheel of cheese in his basket was dangling onto his rear wheel. Up near a roof line, one kestrel sent its piping call to another. The guy who plays the detuned guitar was bashing away at it on a sunny corner, singing in full voice. After school, the Mister Softee jingle carried through the sound of two basketballs and two tennis balls bouncing in overlay. The afternoon light shone through the orange-brown dead leaves clinging to one tree and the pink blossoms flourishing on another, side by side.
VISUAL CONSCIOUSNESS DEP’T.
Vacation, cont’d.
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EASY LISTENING DEP’T.
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SANDWICH DEP’T.
WE PRESENT INSTRUCTIONS for the assembly of select sandwiches from Tested Recipes, by the Ladies' Auxiliary of the Maple Avenue Hospital Of Dubois, PA., published in 1917, found in the public domain and available at archive.org for the delectation of all.
Sandwich Filling.
4 anchovies; one hard boiled egg; 1 teaspoonful of grated cheese; one teaspoonful of onion juice: French dressing to moisten mixture which makes smooth paste. Butter thin slices of bread; put on a thin layer of paste. Toast in oven and serve hot. This amount of paste makes 18 sandwiches.
—Mrs. Taylor Moore
Cheese and Pimento Sandwich Filling.
2 hard-boiled eggs; one small can of pimentoes; one-half pound of cream cheese. Grind in meat grinder. 1 egg; 1 teaspoonful of salt; 1 tablespoonful of sugar; 1 tablespoonful of flour; one-half cup of vinegar. Boil till thick. Mix dressing with the cheese paste and boil 20 minutes. Cool before using. If too thick, thin a trifle with cream.
—Betty Cricks
[Sandwich filling, untitled]
One quart of tomatoes cooked down to make one cup full. One cup of cream cheese put thru food chopper; one cup of cooked ham put thru food chop- per. Pepper. Mix. Put on stove, add two beaten eggs and let heat thru.
—Mrs. A.P. Way
If you decide to prepare and attempt to enjoy a sandwich inspired by these offerings, kindly send a picture to us at indignity@indignity.net.
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