INDIGNITY VOL. 3, NO. 27: Top o' the month to ya.
COLUMN DEP'T.
EASY LISTENING DEP'T.
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MR. WRONG: The Puke of The Irish
WHAT THE HELL is going on right now? Do you have any sense of this year so far, the year Two Thousand Twenty Three and No Cents, Plus Tax, Anno Domini?
This year is no longer a New and Exciting Year, full of that wonderful feeling of Not-Last-Yearness. I mean, now it’s just THIS YEAR, eh? Nobody even thinks about LAST YEAR now, errbody’s all done pooping out their important Reviews of all the stuff from LAST YEAR, and now it’s just, like, March or whatever, big fucking deal.
One nice thing about right now is there’s a lot of Nothing, like, no Obligations to be Social or buy stuff or be someplace. The only so-called Holiday coming up is stupid fucking St. Patrick’s Day, which is “long and green and has a thousand assholes,” to paraphrase Saint Patti O’Furniture.
In the United States of America, this day, March 17, is supposed to be like, “hurray for the Irish,” but it’s mostly a buncha green stuff and people drinking themselves into O’blivion. This year St. Patrick’s Day is on a Friday, which is extra fucked up for an already fucked up day of breakfast drinking, and then what, corned beef and cabbage on top of it? Yeah let’s go, I don’t have to work tomorrow! Blurp! Blurp! Bluarrrrrrpfh!
The Wearin’ of the Green, or the Orange, maybe, if you want to get argumentative or something about The Troubles? You’re not supposed to talk about ’em, The Troubles, so don’t, and I would like to say as somebody who does not give a runny green shit about the American observance of St. Patrick’s Day, if you are somebody who thinks this will be a fun day to be walking around drunk at a parade and then crammed into an Irish Bar with a kabillion other drunk-ass yahoos, don’t be a dope and order an Irish Car Bomb, because that counts as talking about The Troubles, and you’re not supposed to do that. You are supposed to always remember to forget the troubles that passed away, and not be a goddamn Ugly American, even in America, OK?
Even Liquor Dot Com wised up and changed the name of the recipe, although they didn’t do anything about the way you search for it on the Internet. I think “Irish Slammer” is a good way to go, sort of as a warning, because if you pour enough of this bad idea into your face, you stand a good chance of being led away to the Gaol for the remainder of your participation in St. Patrick’s day alco-activities.
Irish Shot! Jesus Mary and Joseph, it’s a perfectly good serving of Guinness, fenestrated with Irish whiskey and Irish cream liqueur, which according to St. Wikipedia, is an emulsion of cream and Irish whiskey and the original recipe was that stuff and Nestle chocolate milk powder, blarph!
Just fucking drink a Guinness, or drink a buncha Guinnesses, it’s a gentle and easy 4.2 percent alcohol, which makes it one of the best beers for drinking continuously while everyone around you devolves!
I’m not gonna tell you how to live your life, but I am, OK? Irish Slammer is a horrible way to get drunk and celebrate how the snakes went away from Ireland or whatever the reason is that St. Patrick became the unofficial Saint of vomiting on the curb at Two O’Clock in the Afternoon on a Weekday. Gloommphf!
If you want to do something for St. Patrick’s Day, stay home and watch that movie about Michael Collins and then yuck it up about Car Bomb, or maybe just watch the one with the Banshees on the Irish island, and then explain it to me, because I didn’t get it. Maybe I shoulda got loaded and then watched it? I do enjoy corned beef and cabbage, though. Cheers!
The MR. WRONG COLUMN is a general-interest column appearing weekly wherever it can appear. No refunds. Write Wrong: wrongcolumn@gmail.com
WEATHER REVIEWS
New York City, March 1
★★★ The snow was cut down to patches by morning but the patches were still passably white. Daylight came up smoothly and steadily; a hawk circled against a sky that had a few high white streaks on it, then came to a perch on top of the nearest public housing tower. The air wasn't warm, but the humidity softened it into something harmless. Sun through melting windshield ice cast a latticed shadow on the upholstery of a Buck Royale. A plank of snow, bonded with ice, plunged down the side of the school building, slowly turning, to land audibly on the walkway there. Real black ice, indistinguishable from damp pavement, lurked in the shade of the path through Morningside Park, and in some sunny parts too. A plow had raised a layered sedimentary ridge of white snow over brown-black muck. The cramped space between two apartment buildings was overflowing with sunlight, sliced to ribbons as it surged through all the fire-escape shadows. A pigeon's flapping wingtips bore little glowing beacons. By afternoon, the sun was gone, and a thick, lumpy blanket of cloud covered everything but a small rift in the east. More hawks, a trio of them, rode the gathering wind over Central Park West like kites on strings, veering to slip sideways toward the trees or hanging perfectly still in one place. It was just plan cold—hat weather again—but the snow had kept dwindling to a few fugitive bits. A few of those held on, somehow, in the branches of evergreen shrubs.
DEP'T. OF CORRECTIONS
DUE TO A day-counting error in consulting the phone's camera roll, yesterday's weather review, of the February 28 weather, was illustrated with a photo of the sky from March 1. That photo now appears on today's review, where it belongs. Here is yesterday's photo, which has now also been added to the review where it belonged.
SANDWICH RECIPE DEP’T.
WE PRESENT INSTRUCTIONS for the assembly of select sandwiches from The Daisy Recipe Book No. 2, Compiled and Arranged by the Daisy Bible Class, Hyatt Avenue United Church, London, Ontario, 1927, found in the public domain and available at archive.org for the delectation of all.
ROLLED SANDWICHES
Cut the bread very thin and remove the crusts. Place a leaf of lettuce on each slice and in the centre a small quantity of the following filling: Cream cheese, chopped walnuts, celery chopped very fine, olives chopped, mayonnaise dressing. Mix these all together. Only a very small quantity of celery is required. Roll the slice of bread either from one corner or side and hold together with wooden toothpicks.
SANDWICH FILLINGS
1. Cheese, pimento and hard-boiled eggs moistened with mayonnaise.
2. Baked beans put through sieve with tomato catsup, horseradish, and chopped parsley.
3. Cream cheese, chopped olives, and salad dressing.
4. Tomato sliced thin, a very little salad dressing. You may use lettuce leaf.
5. 3/4 cup of chopped dates, 1 cup chopped nuts, and small package of cream cheese. Add a little lemon juice.
Crackers. 1 package of cream cheese, 4 tablespoons of honey, 2 tablespoons of lemon juice. Spread on crackers and sprinkle with nuts.
If you decide to prepare and enjoy a sandwich inspired by these offerings, kindly send a picture to us at indignity@indignity.net.
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