Indignity Vol. 3, No. 13: The Super Bowl is February 12, 2023 at 6:30 PM EST
COLUMN DEP'T.
EASY LISTENING DEP'T.
The Indignity Morning Podcast
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MR WRONG: What the Hell are you thinking, NFL?
THIS WEEKEND IS my favorite Holiday of the Year, Super Bowl! Arrroooo!!! My favorite football team is not playing in Super Bowl. In fact, I don’t even have a favorite team in the so-called National Football League (NFL), howabout that? I think if I had to have a favorite team it would be whatever team is in Las Vegas, Nevada, so right now it would be the Oakland Raiders of Las Vegas, or whatever they’re called. I had to do a “fact check” on myself to make sure the Raiders were in Las Vegas, that’s how much I care about this shit, by which I mean my Column, the Mr. Wrong Column, which, for efficiency and faster column-egestion, strives to avoid facts!
Seriously though, Las Vegas is the ultimate place for the NFL because the NFL has always meant Gambling, and that’s another great thing about Super Bowl, you can get in on one of those Grid things where you just pick empty boxes and then score-numbers and the teams are randomly assigned and you sit there cheering for a number, you don’t give a shit which side is winning because YOU wanna win! LVII!
Anyway, this is it! Whether you like it or don’t! SUPER BOWL! Arrooo!!! The NFL is bad, and I would never pay money for tickets to football because the NFL is a sport that only makes sense to witness from multiple camera angles with multiple breaks in the action so you can prepare and enjoy snacks, which is the best part of Super Bowl for me, same as Thanksgiving, except no gravy. I mean, you could have gravy if you want, I am not here to tell anyone how to Observe their own personal Super Bowl, go gravy! Yeah, cook up a big bowl and drink it if you want! It’s LVII!
Like America, Super Bowl is large and stupid, and one super-dumb thing they did this year was have it be so close to Valentines Day. What the Hell are you thinking, NFL? Valentines Day is two days after Super Bowl! You are creating the potential for a forced choice between Super Bowl and Valentines! You need to give Super Bowl lots of space so people can recover from eating and drinking and then go out to a nice restaurant to eat and drink! Nobody wants SUPER BOWL LUV! It’s not a Roman Numeral!
They shoulda called this one SUPER BOWL LV!! Or maybe SUPER BOWL LV11? It’s Roman, the LVII, for “57,” which makes me think it’s weird that the Heinz pickle and ketchup company didn’t get in on the action on account of they make a product called Heinz 57 Sauce, which is in my opinion a very super-concentrated form of ketchup, but it’s really good on chicken, if you get some chicken, and soak it in the 57, and then grill it, and slather more 57 all over it, and then grill it some more, and then get some more 57 all up in there, it’s pretty goddamn good. If it doesn’t rain, we’re gonna have some propane-grilled chicken thighs just completely coated and infused and permeated with the Heinz 57 Sauce. Also, the thigh is the best part of a chicken, and always get the ones with a bone in ‘em, because when you cook them, the flavor in the bone gets into the chicken meat and makes it better. If you are a Vegetabletarian, we will have cheese pizza and crudités and stuff.
This year my Super Bowl Roman Numeral LVII feed-trough is gonna have the following components: Pizzas, Heluva Good!® French Onion Dip, Heluva Good!® Bacon Horseradish Dip, li’l cocktail weenies wrapped in Pillsbury’s crescent roll dough, a coupla giant bags of Ruffles® Original Potato Chips for dipping into the Heluva products, 57 Sauce–coated chicken, and the crudités, for good health, and also to dip into the Heluvas. If they make another one of those FootBowls, I might go for one to put on the table, for a Festive element!
It’s Super Bowl! There’s no tomorrow! That’s why there’s always a Precision Military Flyover at every fucking Super Bowl, to remind you of War! Super Flex! We (as in U.S.) have a fearsome and mighty Death-Dealing apparatus at the ready, in case The Enemy tries to attack! During the fucking Super Bowl!!! Don’t kid yourself, Sooner or later We The People are gonna get nuked or otherwise exploded or poisoned, or a giant fucking Balloon is gonna drop down from Outer Space or wherever the Giant Death Space Balloons come from, and it’s gonna fall on your building and smother it, and it’s over, Johnny! The Space Death Balloon is coming! It’s not gonna catch me without a beer in my hand and a slice of pizza in the other hand and then maybe something that needs gravy because you got me thinking about how, hey, maybe gravy would make sense this year as an item in my Super Bowl spread! Arrooo!!!
SANDWICH RECIPE DEP’T.
WE PRESENT INSTRUCTIONS for the assembly of select sandwiches from The Federation Cook Book: A collection of tested recipes, contributed by the colored women of the State of California, by Mrs. Bertha L. Turner,
State Superintendent, Domestic Science, Pasadena, CA, published 1910, found in the public domain and available at archive.org for the delectation of all.
OLIVE SANDWICHES
Use ripe olives. Remove stones and chop fine. Mix with mayonnaise dressing. Butter thin slices of bread. Spread with mixture and cut in any desired shape.
MRS. TURNER’S HOT CHEESE SANDWICHES
Take any kind of cream cheese. Mash fine. Mix with plain cream, a little salt and pepper to taste. Take ordinary slices of bread, spread mixture between. Cut in desired shapes. Butter both sides. Toast and serve hot with salads.
If you decide to prepare and enjoy a sandwich inspired by these offerings, kindly send a picture to us at indignity@indignity.net.
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