PARENTAL GUIDANCE DEP’T.

I WAS IN the middle of a dream where I was busy taking care of my kids when I heard something and rolled over, and it was my younger son standing by the bed in the dark telling me he was having a nosebleed. He already had a tissue on it, so there wasn't really anything else to do, but I handed him a fresh tissue and scooched over and told him to lie down and stay still. It wasn't the kind of gusher where you need to fuss around with head positioning to promote clotting or anything, just pinch it and be patient. He didn't want to be patient, though. He kept insisting, dissatisfied, that he didn't know how to handle it. Finally, as I wandered in and out of the edges of dreamland again, he decided on a problem and declared it: he didn't know how hard to pinch, and his fingers were getting tired.

I thought about it, the problem of the complete subjectivity of trying to explain what something should feel like from the point of view inside someone else's body, and somehow an answer appeared, sudden and complete. “Hold it like you're holding a pencil,” I said. “But not like you're writing with the pencil.”

Another Week, Another Hmm Weekly

GOOD MORNING! This is the latest HMM WEEKLY, successor publication to HMM DAILY, distributed via SUBSTACK, a newsletter delivery and reading platform.

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MR. WRONG

By Joe MacLeod

The Mr. Wrong column is presented by Hmm Weekly.

Thanksgivingfullness’ First Finale

YES! This is gonna be the Best Thanksgiving ever! Think about it! You don’t have to go anywhere! You don’t have to wear a mask! You get to eat what YOU want! You don’t have to eat—or pretend to eat by putting some on your plate and then hiding it under some other stuff—anything you don’t like! You can eat ALL and ONLY the stuff that you like! Speaking of stuff, nobody likes cornbread stuffing except me, so this year I am making an entire Second Location Turkey out of cornbread stuffing! You can stuff your turkey with Cheetos if you want! You can have Cheetos for Thanksgiving! Real cranberry jelly out of the can or cranberry-schmear made outta cranberries with all the lumpy cran still in there, yuck! I’m eating a whole bowl of mashed potatoes! You don’t have to eat a turkey, or tell anybody they shouldn’t eat a turkey, or sit at the same table with a buncha animals who are eating a turkey! You can make gravy and pour it into a glass and drink it! Did I mention a whole bowl of mashed potatoes?

This year for Thanksgiving you can be a HERO, who totally fucking SAVES LIVES, by staying home and eating! After you eat you can lie on the floor like a lion after the hunt and go in and out of consciousness as you dream about eating some leftovers while watching whatever you want on teevee! Or not! Dog Show! Football! That chess program everybody likes so much! Happy Thanksgiving! Ohh, so hungry.

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THOUGHT DEP’T.

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VISUAL CONSCIOUSNESS DEP’T.

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REMINDER DEP’T.

THE SOPHIST is here to tell you why you're right. Send your questions  to AskTheSophist@hmmweekly.com, and get the answers you want.

SANDWICH RECIPES DEP’T. (LEFTOVERS)

WE INTERRUPT OUR presentation of select recipes from the 1923 edition of The Calorie Cook Book, by Mary Dickerson Donahey, to reprise a few items from The Up-To-Date Sandwich Book: 400 Ways to Make a Sandwich, by Eva Greene Fuller; 1909, found in the public domain.

TURKEY SANDWICH
Between thin slices of lightly buttered white or brown bread, place thin slices of turkey breast; spread a little cranberry jelly over this and sprinkle with finely chopped celery.

TURKEY CLUB SANDWICH
Toast three thin slices of white bread and butter, on the lower slice lay cold white breast of turkey; cover with another slice of toast; on that lay a thin slice of hot broiled ham; cover with another slice of buttered toast and press together. Serve on a lettuce leaf. Garnish with small pickles.

HOT TURKEY SANDWICH
Between thin slices of lightly buttered toast, places slices of warm turkey breast; over same pour a hot gravy made of slightly thickened turkey stock. Garnish with a pickle.

If you decide to prepare and enjoy one of the above items, kindly send a picture to us at hmmweekly@substack.com.

HMM WEEKLY IS written by Tom Scocca, editor, and Joe MacGarnish, creative director.
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