Gucci bag gets extralegal rendition
Indignity Vol. 5, No. 73
LOST & FOUND DEP'T.
Remember the Alamosaurus
Recently Found in America
More than a dozen televisions, three DJ consoles, and multiple cartons of headphones (near Union Pacific train tracks between Gerald Ford Drive and the Sonny Bono Memorial Freeway in Palm Desert, California, after a train burglary)
A copy of Gilbert Stuart's portrait of George Washington, reverse-painted on glass in Guangzhou, China, circa 1800 (in the possession of a person in or around Englewood, Colorado, who reportedly told police he had been given it by a hotel cleaner who found it abandoned in a hotel room, after it was stolen from a storage unit in Englewood in January of last year)
A fossilized vertebra from an Alamosaurus, the largest known land animal in North America (in Big Bend National Park, in Brewster County, Texas, by a team of geology students from Sul Ross State University)
A 1954 Ford station wagon (upside down in sediment under the Columbia River at the foot of the defunct 19th century Cascade Locks in Cascade Locks, Oregon, among "several cars there" and matching the description of a vehicle that disappeared 66 years ago along with a family of five)
A 14-year-old miniature schnauzer named Butters (wandering in Alberton, Montana, some 30 miles west of Missoula, Montana—where her owner's 2005 Honda Civic was allegedly stolen with her in it—and roughly 140 miles east of Kootenai County, Idaho, where Idaho State Police reportedly disabled the car with spike strips and a Precision Immobilization Technique maneuver after a high-speed chase on I-90)
At least 478 nails (placed point-up and embedded in tar patches, scattered on roads and sidewalks, or propped under vehicle tires around Falmouth, Massachusetts)
Three nests containing eggs laid by Sihek, or Guam kingfishers (on Palmyra Atoll, in the Northern Line Islands, where nine of the birds, otherwise extinct in the wild, were released after being raised in the Cincinnati Zoo)
Recently Missing in America
Assorted jewelry, watches, and other merchandise valued at $10 or $20 million (from an uninsured jewelry store in downtown Los Angeles, after thieves apparently dug their way into the building through a concrete wall from the property next door)
A cow statue made of "plaster material" (from behind a restaurant in Virginia Beach, Virginia, where it was waiting to be repainted and installed to join another cow statue out in front)
A butt fusion die set, hammer drill kit, light stand, acetylene torch set, Aquatap hot-tapping kit, and 12-volt pump (from the Knott County, Kentucky, Water District headquarters)
Six cast-iron manhole covers (from manholes around Gurnee, Illinois, despite being reportedly worth only about 10 cents a pound as scrap)
One bottle of Dos Equis beer (from a home in Abilene, Texas, in a reported burglary)
A SPEC-150 industrial radiography camera (from a truck parked outside the Sleep Inn motel in Kernersville, North Carolina, prompting health officials to warn anyone who might find it to "remain at least 30 feet away")
A Gucci B large shoulder bag with a retail price of $4,400, containing a $620 Louis Vuitton Clémence wallet, a United States Department of Homeland Security access badge, $3,000 in U.S. currency, blank checks, a driver's license, a passport, a makeup bag, keys, and medication (from the floor by a chair occupied by the bag's owner, Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem, in the Capital Burger restaurant by Mount Vernon Square in Washington D.C., where surveillance cameras reportedly recorded a man at the next table sliding the bag toward himself with his foot, covering it with a jacket, and leaving with it)
WEATHER REVIEWS
New York City, April 22, 2025
★★★★★ The gray burned away just as it was time to be stuck indoors. From the couch, with the windows open, it was possible to watch big white piles of cloud drifting quickly along in the distance. The leaves were now spots of green speckling the view; the canopy of the pear tree had gone from all white to a mix of white and green. The breeze by the bedroom window felt as if the fan was on. Outside, at last, there were gentle gusts tossing awnings and ruffling hair and making the banner announcing the revival of the closed bagel place sway. Petals chased and swirled on the sidewalk. The slight preference for walking in the sun on the way out to get groceries became a slight preference for the shade on the way back.
EASY LISTENING DEP'T.
HERE IS TODAY'S Indignity Morning Podcast!
Tom Scocca
CLICK ON THIS box to find the Indignity Morning Podcast archive.
TOM SCOCCA
ADVICE DEP'T.
GOT SOMETHING YOU need to justify to yourself, or to the world at large? Other columnists are here to judge you, but The Sophist is here to tell you why you’re right. Direct your questions to The Sophist, at indignity@indignity.net, and get the answers you want.
SANDWICH RECIPES DEP'T.
WE PRESENT INSTRUCTIONS in aid of the assembly of a sandwich selected from Prague Chapter Book Of Recipes, compiled by Marie Paidar and Blanche Kammerer, published in 1922, and available at archive.org for the delectation of all.
PATE DE FOIE GRAS SANDWICHES—Small goose livers, two tablespoons butter, three hard boiled eggs, salt, pepper and a little grated onion. Smother goose livers until soft in butter, mash into a paste with the eggs, add salt, pepper, and onion. Spread on small, thin slices of toast. MARIE PAIDAR.
If you decide to prepare and attempt to enjoy a sandwich inspired by this offering, be sure to send a picture to indignity@indignity.net.
