FOOD FRIDAY: Too good to eat
Indignity Vol. 4, No. 201
SNACK DEP’T.
Dot’s Homestyle Pretzels ORIGINAL SEASONED PRETZEL TWISTS
HOO-WAH! THESE pretzels are no fuckaround, zero. They taste like butter, and garlic, and salt, c’mon! The slogan on the bag says “Small Town Story. Big Time Flavor,” but the Hershey Salty Snacks Company is in the captain’s chair now, and they set the controls for the heart of whatever little switches in your brain get tripped to make you want to eat all the pretzels.
They will make you sad when you look in the bowl while you’re eating them and see that there’s only one pretzel left. These pretzels have it all: natural & artificial flavor, dehydrated garlic, dehydrated onion, monosodium glutamate, plus, some ingredients are “derived from a bioengineered source,” and that information might make you mad at these pretzels, or not care about these pretzels, but what kind of way is that to live? Do not get these pretzels unless you are mentally prepared, or inebriated enough, to eat a whole thing of pretzels.
HOLIDAY DEP’T.
Ho Ho Hum: Red One Puts the Zzzs in "Zany Christmas Movie"
Red One (2024)
Directed by Jake Kasdan
I WAS REALLY disappointed by this movie Red One, which is another Christmas movie, another genre-mixing Santa Claus movie, but I thought this one was gonna be really good because it has The Rock, and Captain America, whatever his name is, and it also has the guy who [SPOILER ALERT] whipped a drum cymbal at a dude’s head in Whiplash, and it has Lucy Liu, and the waitress from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and Nick Kroll, and a talking Polar Bear, let’s go!
But no, it’s a big fucking dull mess. Santa is not only tight with the U.S. military, which helps him get to and from the Wakanda-style-secret North Pole for off-season recon, but he’s also got his own Secret Service detail (we all know how that can work out) and he gets snatched, and then The Rock and Captain America have to go find him, but meanwhile there’s like nine stories all fighting each other, and the winner is Krampus, which is fine, seriously, but it took almost the whole movie for the preview screening crowd I was in to wake up and start to give a scheiße after a couple of fun action scenes but then there’s a whole bag full of blah blah blah to set up the payoffs for later in the movie.
Jeepers, seriously, the director did not direct! Film is a visual medium, tell the story with images! There was a little bit of that, a great sequence of Santa delivering presents, and I gotta give Dwayne Johnson credit for doing some creditable emoting as an elf who has lost the Holiday cheer, but there’s all this talking!
Ugh! Anyway, Krampus, who was a wild red-haired viking-type in Game of Thrones, brightens up the screen, and has a moment (long retcon story) and it was a total POP for the audience! They loved it, and I did too, but it took like five hours to get there, and you know, why not make the whole goddamn movie outta Krampus? I was gonna say don’t take children to see this because they say words like “bullshit,” but you know what, take the kids, they need to learn that Christmas is all about disappointment. Ho ho!
WEATHER REVIEWS
New York City, November 14, 2024
★★★ Dawn came in a flush of floral pink right out of the classics, mixing with the blue in the sky to make mauve. The pink faded, the blue share diminished, and what was left was gray sky and damp air, not cold enough to be raw. A flock of small birds flew over into the Park, high up, cutting sideways like blown leaves. The windows of the old hotels and clubhouses of 44th Street glowed invitingly or forbiddingly, depending on the structure, in the premature night of the 4 o'clock hour in Midtown.
EASY LISTENING DEP'T.
HERE IS TODAY'S Indignity Morning Podcast.
Tom Scocca
Click on this box to find the Indignity Morning Podcast archive.
TOM SCOCCA
ADVICE DEP'T.
GOT SOMETHING YOU need to justify to yourself, or to the world at large? Other columnists are here to judge you, but The Sophist is here to tell you why you’re right. Direct your questions to The Sophist, at indignity@indignity.net, and get the answers you want.
SANDWICH RECIPES DEP'T.
WE PRESENT INSTRUCTIONS in aid of the assembly of a sandwich selected from Canned Salmon: Cheaper Than Meats, And Why. Including Fifty Tested Recipes by the United States Bureau of Fisheries, published in 1914 and available at archive.org for the delectation of all.
Salmon salad sandwiches.
One pound can of salmon, 1 tablespoonful of any preferred salad dressing, 2 tablespoonfuls of finely chopped cucumber pickles (sour), 1 teaspoonful of grated onion or onion juice, one-half teaspoonful mixed salt and pepper. Mix thoroughly and spread between thin slices of bread.
If you decide to prepare and attempt to enjoy a sandwich inspired by this offering, be sure to send a picture to indignity@indignity.net.
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