Doom loop
Indignity Vol. 4, No. 129
FAN SERVICE JOURNALISM DEP'T.
What Retread Marvel Actor Should Play the Best Supervillain of All?
DISNEY'S MARVEL CINEMATIC Universe—apparently so named because, as with an actual universe, theorists believe it is destined to expand uncontrollably until it reaches the point of complete heat death—finally found a way to get the bored and exhausted public to pay attention to its upcoming products: on Saturday, at the San Diego Comic-Con International, Marvel movie directors Anthony and Joe Russo brought out the actor Disney had hired to play the most valuable remaining unexploited piece of Marvel comics intellectual property, Doctor Doom. Under the green cape, behind a fairly unimpressive-looking version of the dread metal mask, Victor von Doom was...Robert Downey Jr.
This did give everyone from superfans to casual moviegoers something to talk about. Because even casual moviegoers know that Robert Downey Jr. has already been in a lot of Marvel movies—that as Tony Stark, aka Iron Man, he was the tentpole of the whole Marvel movie megaproject, before it scattered into countless little miniature video-tents. He already had his own metal mask! And then [SPOILER ALERT] Iron Man died, sacrificing his own life at the climax of the second part of the two-part finale of the original Avengers series. And everyone had seen all the Robert Downey Jr. they needed to see, and Robert Downey Jr. was free to go do something else.
Only now he's back, stunt-cast into the role of the greatest supervillain of all time. Why? Doctor Doom is not Tony Stark in a different suit of armor. Maybe there's some deep resonance here about how Downey's Stark was originally modeled on fun playboy tech genius Elon Musk, and how Musk has devolved into a deranged, dictatorial loner—but late-stage Musk is a sorry techno-fraud, while Doctor Doom's robots definitely work. Doom is a scenery-chewing European monarch with overwhelming force of personality, a perfect vessel for a fresh new actor to give Marvel audiences something memorably original.
To be fair to Disney, though, finding a fresh actor for the Marvel Cinematic Universe is a challenge. The project has gone on so long, stuffing so many characters into so many movies and TV series, that nearly everybody—Matt Damon! Sylvester Stallone! Julie Delpy!—has shown up at one time or another. It's become the singularity for degrees of Kevin Bacon.
But this means that even if you do need to recycle an actor to find your Doctor Doom, there are nearly limitless options beyond trying to squeeze more juice out of the crumpled rind of Robert Downey Jr. The obvious choice would have been James Spader, who previously played the robot villain Ultron via disembodied voice and motion-capture suit. Spader specializes in dissolute, creepy charisma and an amused superiority; his sleazy Steff from Pretty in Pink or his manipulative drug-dealing Rip in Less Than Zero were one disfiguring accident away from already being the young Victor von Doom.
And if Spader couldn't do it, Doom contains multitudes. Whatever combination of presence, charm, menace, bombast, brilliance, and melancholy one might wish to see emanating from behind the mask, someone with an existing Marvel film credit can provide it. For handy reference, here's a ranked list of Marvel veteran actors who seem more promising as Doctor Doom than Downey does. Please don't tell me if any of their existing characters haven't officially been killed off or written out yet; I don't care.
1. James Spader
2. Laurence Fishburne
3. Mads Mikkelsen
4. Djimon Hounsou
5. Benicio del Toro
6. Annette Bening
7. Michael B. Jordan
8. Tony Leung
9. Tilda Swinton
10. Jude Law
11. Ving Rhames
12. Jeff Goldblum
13. Jeff Bridges
14. Angela Bassett
15. Robert Redford
16. Ben Kingsley
17. Guy Pearce
18. Glenn Close
19. Walton Goggins
20. John C. Reilly
21. Stanley Tucci
WEATHER REVIEWS
New York City, July 28, 2024
★★★ The air through the window reached perfection some time in the predawn depths and left it behind by morning. The unhappy cat had to pull her face away from the screen so the window could come down and the air conditioner could be turned on. Sun reached across the bedroom and hit the yellow towel draped on the chair so hard it looked as if the desk lamp had been left on. Outside the heat had not set in yet, and the runners were running seriously. The thin morning film of cloud had thickened, after a cold lunch, into something that cut off the direct solar heat and that scattered glare. A pigeon tore into a cutlet on the sidewalk. In the strangely even light, the shadow of the basketball on the playground surface was nearly invisible till the ball came down to meet it. Medium gray airplanes moved slowly over the lighter gray background, one after another, without detectable depth or scale.
EASY LISTENING DEP'T.
CLICK ON THIS box to find today's Indignity Morning Podcast.
SANDWICH RECIPES DEP'T.
WE PRESENT INSTRUCTIONS in aid of the assembly of a sandwich selected from Mrs. Ericsson Hammond's Salad Appetizer Cook Book, by Maria Matilda Ericsson Hammond. Published in 1924, and now in the Public Domain and available at archive.org for the delectation of all.
Tomatoes Glaces on Sandwich à la Mildred
Tomates Glaces à la Mildred
Press a can of tomatoes through a very fine strainer; add cayenne pepper and salt; put it in the freezer and freeze until hard; when hard add a cup and a half of whipped cream. Fill moulds such as half individual ice cream forms, birds, etc., it can also be made in a brick and cut in slices; leave in the freezer until ready to serve; dip them in warm water and turn out on sandwiches. Decorate them with whipped cream; put in a paper bag that holds a fancy tube. Serve immediately as a first course. It can also be served as a cold entree. Garnish with parsley.
Sandwiches. Slice bread and cut it out with a round biscuit cutter or shape it according to the glaces; spread it with Philadelphia cream cheese; to one quarter pound of cheese add a teaspoonful of anchovy paste, cayenne pepper and salt; put some of the cheese before adding the anchovy paste in a paper bag that holds a fancy tube and decorate all around the sandwich with the cheese.
If you decide to prepare and attempt to enjoy a sandwich inspired by this offering, be sure to send a picture to indignity@indignity.net.
MARKETING DEP'T.
Supplies are really and truly running low of the second printing of 19 FOLK TALES, still available for gift-giving and personal perusal! Sit in the crushing heat with a breezy collection of stories, each of which is concise enough to read before the thunderstorms start.
LESS THAN 5 COPIES LEFT: HMM WEEKLY MINI-ZINE, Subject: GAME SHOW, Joe MacLeod’s account of his Total Experience of a Journey Into Television, expanded from the original published account found here at Hmm Daily. The special MINI ZINE features other viewpoints related to an appearance on, at, and inside the teevee game show Who Wants to Be A Millionaire, and is available for purchase at SHOPULA.
