A MR. WRONG After-School Special, Part One

COLUMN DEP’T.

MR WRONG: Touching the Face of God (Part One of a Two-Part MR. WRONG)

NOTE FROM THE COLUMNIST: I wrote a really long column this week, so it’s the perfect excuse to break it into two not-long columns! Continued next week!

I AM THE product of a Catholic School education, through the seventh grade, anyway, when I got bounced and sent to regular Public School. The one advantage of being a Roman Catholic and going to Catholic School was that all the Catechism crapola we had to learn to get us to the ridiculous religious educational pinnacle called Confirmation was built into our school day, so we didn’t have to go to Sunday School, which was bad enough with boring-ass church, I couldn’t even imagine after-church church, or be subjected to any extra after-school torture like the Public School kids who were unfortunate enough to be Roman Catholic and had parents who took that shit seriously, urgh.

I remember many days, walking home after a hard day’s school in my doofy Saint John the Evangelist Catholic School uniform, made by the Greene Uniform Company, with the blue pants and the black stripe down the side, loosening my adjustable clip-on tie that went all the way around my neck, the one I wore from third grade to seventh grade, and seeing plainclothes Public School kids trudging toward my school for more fuckin’ school. Even though we were constantly told by the nuns that the Public School kids were, like, feral and less-than, I felt pity for the plight of the Public School kid sentenced to the Confraternity of Christian Doctrine, also known as: CCD.

As far as being a Catholic goes, there isn’t much I remember from all the stuff I sat through in Catholic School except, according to the priests who would come in to the classroom and blabber or drone at us:

• The purpose of Confirmation was that we would become “A Soldier of God,” whatever the fuck that meant
• Jesus did not have a girlfriend
• In the movies we watched in class, Jesus did not have a face

That last one was super annoying. We’d watch movies in class, which was great, anything was better than being talked at. I remember one about Jesus, and, I might not have this exactly correct, but basically, he got fucked over by his crew, and he knew it was gonna happen, and he went into a garden to get right with The Lord, and he was so fucking stressed out that he sweated blood. I don’t remember if they showed blood in the movie, but It Was Written He sweated blood. Anyway, He sweated a lot, you could see it, but they’d film these Jesus-Educational things so that the actor who played Jesus never quite turned toward the camera. The best you’d get was this irritating rear three-quarter angle that almost showed the whole side of a face, like when they do sideboob and rearbutt in movies to imply entire nudity. I guess the Vatican was bankrolling these propaganda flicks, so maybe they thought it was sacrilege to have an actor use their whole face, like Jeffrey Hunter, who was in the major motion picture King of Kings, playing JC, full-frontal face. I kinda remember maybe somebody in class, probably the same student who asked about Jesus’ girlfriend, asking why it was OK for the movie to have full-face Jesus. That actor died young, the nuns would remind us.

A reading from The Book of Wikipedia:

While in Spain in November 1968 to film Cry Chicago (¡Viva América!), a story about the Chicago Mafia, Hunter was injured in an on-set explosion when a car window near him, which had been rigged to explode outward, accidentally exploded inward. Hunter sustained a serious concussion. According to Hunter's wife Emily, he "went into shock" on the flight back to the United States after filming and "couldn't speak. He could hardly move." After landing, Hunter was taken to Good Samaritan Hospital in Los Angeles, but doctors could not find any serious injuries except for a displaced vertebra and a concussion.

On the afternoon of May 26, 1969, Hunter suffered an intracranial hemorrhage while walking down a three-stair set of steps at his home in Van Nuys, California. He fell, knocked over a planter, and struck his head on the banister, fracturing his skull. He was found unconscious by Frank Bellow, an actor and a friend of Hunter's, who came for a visit, and taken to Valley Presbyterian Hospital, where he underwent brain surgery. He died at about 9:30 the following morning at the age of 42.

All I knew about Jeffery Hunter was that he played the original Captain Pike on Star Trek, which I watch all of, even the cartoon ones, so go ahead, nuns, choose your religion, I got mine. [CONTINUED NEXT WEEK]

The MR. WRONG COLUMN is a general-interest column appearing weekly wherever it can appear. No refunds. Write Wrong: wrongcolumn@gmail.com

WEATHER REVIEWS

New York City, August 9, 2023

★★★★ The blue of the sky was almost deep. In the rooms closed off for quarantine, the air coming through the windows was mercifully cool. Outside, the sun looked particularly clear and the clouds particularly white. A green plastic bag of poop glowed in the hand of a person walking a shar-pei. It was possible, walking outside, to imagine that the cumulative warmth of the sun might feel a little feverish. Weed smoke floated near stoops on the cross street. The corner bakery had its front and side-rear doors open, and a cinnamon smell rode out on the air going through. Breeze flapped the leaves of the potted plants in the rack outside the market.

EASY LISTENING DEP’T.

INDIGNITY MORNING PODCAST

Indignity Morning Podcast No. 126: An endless cascade of carnage, scandal, and horror.

Aug 10, 2023

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SANDWICH RECIPES DEP’T.

WE PRESENT INSTRUCTIONS for the assembly of select sandwiches from "Dame Curtsey's" Book of Recipes, by Ellye Howell Glover, Author of “Dame Curtsey’s” Book of Novel Entertainments, etc. Published in 1909, this book is in the Public Domain and available at archive.org for the delectation of all.

Ginger Sandwiches
Cut Canton ginger in very thin slices. Prepare as other sandwiches.

Jelly Sandwiches
SPREAD thin slices of buttered white bread with any desired jelly, and if liked, finely chopped almonds may be sprinkled over the jelly before putting the slices of bread together.

Ginger and Orange Sandwiches
CHOP one-half cupful each of candied ginger and candied orange peel, add three tablespoonfuls of thick cream. Spread on either white or whole wheat bread.

Pineapple Sandwiches
CUT white bread into thin slices, remove the crust, and butter well. Chop pineapple very fine, drain off the juice, and sprinkle the minced fruit over the bread, press down firmly, and cut in squares.

If you decide to prepare and attempt to enjoy a sandwich inspired by this offering, kindly send a picture to us at indignity@indignity.net.

MARKETING DEP'T.

19 FOLKTALES collects a series of timeless tales of canny animals, foolish people, monsters, magic, ambition, adventure, glory, failure, inexorable death, and ripe fruits and vegetables. Written by Tom Scocca and richly illustrated by Jim Cooke, these fables stand at the crossroads of wisdom and absurdity.

HMM WEEKLY MINI-ZINE, Subject: GAME SHOW, Joe MacLeod’s account of his Total Experience of a Journey Into Television, expanded from the original published account found here at Hmm Daily. The special MINI ZINE features other viewpoints related to an appearance on, at, and inside the teevee game show Who Wants to Be A Millionaire. Your $20 plus shipping and tax helps fund The Brick House collective, a Publishing Concern featuring a globally diverse set of publishers doing their own thing, with interesting items and publications available for purchase at SHOPULA.

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